Musings

Officially Crazy.

2012-02-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

Mike and I went away for an impromptu overnight on Friday. We drove a little over an hour away to Edenton, North Carolina. Libby and Samuel spent the night at their grandparents and the twins and Peter were home with Rebecca.

It was nice to just get away. To not need to do any lifting and being able to baby my back. Being able to sleep without someone saying "Mama and Papa" a dozen times was a miracle.

Late Saturday morning we went to our favorite place in Edenton, The Garden of Readin', a fun place to look at books, read, write and drink coffee. And apparently a great place to get a new addition to our family.

I was thirsty and I had water bottles in the car so I went to the car and as I was about to re-enter the store I stopped. Just outside the door was a friendly looking couple. They had a laundry basket with them. A basket of puppies, 4 little black lab/terrier mix pups to be exact. They were all adorable. One struck my fancy immediately.

She was all black with a little white on her paws and her neck... and on the very tip of her tail. She was gentle and let me hold her without wriggling away. She licked my neck and stared at me with somber chocolate eyes and I fell in love.

Recently I had a conversation with Mike about how I hadn't let myself give my heart to a dog since Sophie. Sophie was a gorgeous basset hound that I had when I was a young teen. She was hit by a car the first day of summer vacation a few years after having her. I told myself, never again. Never again would I give my heart away.

And so here I am staring into the chocolate eyes of this little puppy and I couldn't help myself. I gave her my heart. I knew she was supposed to be our dog.

A month ago my parents and brother had to take our dog of 12 years, Allie, to the vet's to be put down. It was really sad. She was such a good and faithful dog. And as much as I cared about her and was sad for her to go... I felt more sad that I never let have her truly have my heart.

The puppy nuzzled into my neck and made sounds of contentment. I sighed. How would I get Mike on my team? and my parents?

So we left early from our get away because we no longer had a puppy with us. We bought puppy food on the way home and a nylabone for her to chew on. We had a cardboard box with us but I held her wrapped in a towel the entire trip home.

Several years ago I had friends outright tell me "do not get a dog" but it's been a few years now... so maybe it's okay. When I sent a picture of the dog to a friend she sweetly replied back, "You are crazy... officially".

So yeah, I am crazy. But like you didn't already know that. And now for a name. Mike and I talked about names the entire ride home. He asked what about white and black animal names just to be ironic. Joking around I said, "Yeah, let's call her penguin". He revised it with "what if we called her 'Penny' short for 'Penny Gwenn'". I liked it.

And so, Penny is now a part of our home and our life as a family. The kids love her and have had fun picking her up, carrying her around, letting her chase them. Feeding her.

We're only two days in. It might be crazy to add another person in this house... but I see it as more to love and more joy to share.

Adjustment.

2012-02-09T15:44:00.001-05:00

It's interesting how easy it is to forget what physical pain feels like. It was a while... probably 15 months ago when I had felt serious, intense physical pain... giving birth to Peter... you know the whole contraction thing. It hurts.

So I guess I was taken aback (excuse the pun) when I hurt my back on Tuesday morning. I was in agony. I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't forget I was in pain. I couldn't distract myself. My doctor prescribed an opiate to help with pain relief. It didn't touch it. I was miserable.

I saw my Chiropractor on Wednesday morning. She said my lower lumbar had completely gone out of alignment and my hips were also out of alignment and I was pinching nerves that created the shooting pains, numbness and tingling in my legs to my toes.

After the adjustment I felt so much better. I still feel sore. It hurts. But nothing like it did on Tuesday. I barely use pain medicine. I'm trying to take it easy. I can't lift over 20 pounds. But I feel like a different human being.

I no longer am asking someone to put me out of my misery. I am no longer the lame horse that needs to be put down. And as awful as physical pain is I was thankful to be reminded to pray for those I know who suffer chronic pain. My heart has grown in compassion for those who have physical pain and suffering. How gracious of the Lord to remind me that there are more people than me. Oh yeah. Imagine that.

It's amazing what a difference an adjustment makes. How often in my life do things get out of sorts. My heart. My emotions. My marriage. My parenting. My friendships. My attitude. My perspective. My soul. I need a regular adjustment. A daily adjustment. I have to align myself to God and stop looking to myself and to that which is in front of me. I need to look up. Hold onto Him and know that He is sustaining me. He will continue adjusting me. He will continue transforming me.

(2 Corinthians 3:18 ESV)

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

"Back" to Bed.

2012-02-07T09:31:00.001-05:00

I was getting dressed this morning when I experienced a weird pop that then traveled down my spine. I was in so much pain I could hardly catch my breath. All I could do was yell for Mike. I couldn't move. I felt like I was going to fall down but I could tell that would feel painful as well, instead of relief.

I have pain shooting down my legs as well as numbness and tingling all the way to my toes. Needless to say this experience has been anything but pleasant and our plans for the day have all been put on hold.

The plan was for me to take Ian to school this morning and then proceed to work on my writing til noon. That changed so Mike was going to take Ian to school this morning but because of my "back event" there were serious delays getting out the door and he was caring for Michael as well. It made no sense to take Ian to school and then come home and then have to go back out again.

Then factor in Michael.

Michael has been sick since Friday. This week-end he complained about his left ear. I took him to the doctor yesterday and he has a pretty bad ear infection. He's on antibiotics. He's staying home today but he's definitely on the mend.

When my back began to hurt the first thing I thought of was my dear friend Jessica. Jessica has experienced years and years of back pain. I don't know how she has coped through it. The pain I've been in for a little over an hour has left me feeling undone and she has had to bear this type of pain for a huge part of her life.

About a week ago I had this fantasy of being on bed-rest again. I thought, "oh wow... if I could just lay in bed and read my books or watch movies and just chill out". But this was NOT what I had in mind. I forget when you're in pain like this or when I was on bed-rest during my pregnancies that you're not really in a place to enjoy being in bed... you're miserable.

I hope to get to a chiropractor if Mike can take me... if someone can watch the kids.

I hear Peter babbling on the monitor... glad he's happy because I can't pick him up if he starts yelling. Mike will be home in a half hour with medicine and what-not.

It really sucks to be in pain but I'm thankful to be reminded that this has not been my daily lot... and to remember that so many people suffer. I'm blessed to know that if not today then tomorrow I can go to the chiropractor. And I can start feeling a little of the strong pain reliever I'm on. And God willing this too shall pass.

True Rest

2012-02-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

I was having breakfast last week with a group of women and I shared with them something God was saying to me. "True rest is revealed by a deep belief in God's sovereignty and His goodness."

It takes both of those things... God's sovereignty and His goodness. It would be imbalanced to have one without the other. It's not enough to just know God is sovereign. And it's not enough to know that He is good.

And it's believing in both of those things that allows you to cast your cares on Him. It allows you to know that He is in control of everything that happens to you and to others and that His plan is for ultimate good. He sees the big picture.

Sometimes I struggle with thinking God is malicious, hard-hearted or "out to get me." But this is not true. At other times I think, well God is good but He can't be in control or this or that wouldn't happen. Although I can't say that I understand why things happen the way they do or have an ultimate answer to all suffering... I know that He knows. I know that my mind is finite and God's is infinite.

And so I trust in His goodness and His Sovereignty and I can be at peace. At rest.

Like one of my children's favorite songs, He truly does have the whole world in His hands.

What do I really own?

2012-02-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

"You can't receive if your fist is clenched closed."

This was what I felt God whisper to me. I was driving on the highway and this thought jumped in my head.

I realize I need to open my hand. It's the only way I can receive. True it means that things can be taken from me. But my ownership of those things are the illusion. I don't really have anything. Not really anyway.

I was listening to a song by Dido called "Life for Rent." Now mind you I'm taking these lyrics out of context but they struck me. The song is about love and allowing someone to really have your heart. But these particular lyrics made me think....

"I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it"

"But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine"

I haven't found a place I call home because I'm not home yet. It's not til I'm with Jesus that I'll be home.

And nothing I have is truly mine.

My kids aren't mine, my husband isn't mine, my clothes, my house, my car, my computer, my camera- none of it is really mine. It's all the Lord's! The sooner I can get that through my thick head the better.

So I'm continuing to surrender and say, Okay God this is yours. This child. This relationship. This dream. This brokeness. This hope. This home. This book I'm writing. This friendship.

Trying to keep my hands open....

Beyond the Roadkill.

2012-02-04T07:00:00.000-05:00

I live in the country. Yep, I have huge ditches on both sides of the road. And there is plenty of wooded, foresty areas. So, as you can imagine there is roadkill. And last night I was a contributor to the death of a opossum. But let's just call him posse. No I don't normally name my roadkill. As many years as I've lived in the country I've only killed about 3 animals, at most. But each time it makes me sad. I mean it. It's not like I loved posse. It's just that I value life.

It was dark and Ian was in the car with me. I saw posse run into the road. She turned to look at me. And all I could think was "No, no, no!" I slowed down, but it was too late. It was as though she purposefully maneuvered in a way that I couldn't avoid hitting her. I heard the buh-bump.

I'm Sorry Posse!

"Oh no," I said.
"What's wrong Mom?" says Ian from his car seat.
"I just hit an animal."
"Why did you that?"
"I didn't do it on purpose buddy, it was an accident."

Unlike the accident of hitting posse there are somethings I do kill on purpose: Flies. I don't like flies. I'm not scared of them I just don't like them. They gross me out. All I can think of is dirty germs. I don't know if it's true but all I can think of is being told as a child, "every time a fly land it vomits". That was enough for me. True or not... I'm ruined.

Ian's "Little Friends"

We have recently been getting these big flies. They're huge and slow and are very satisfying to kill because I almost always kill them with the first swat and they don't try to get up again or twitch. One hit and they're down for the count. Unlike those tinier house flies where you have to be Mr. Miyagi to catch them they're so fast. But they had been coming in droves.

So it was unfortunate for me that Ian has decided to call flies his "little friends". What the heck? Great so now I'm killing off Ian's friends. I'd even taken to hiding it. I don't pull out the fly swatter unless I know he's not around. I make sure he's at school or outside or asleep in bed. Yeah, I'm weird. But I don't want my son to think I'm killing his little friends.

So, I was relieved when Ian told me the other day, "Mommy, get the flies."

I was thinking, "I thought they were your friends."

He continued, "They gotta die."

Phew. I pulled out the fly swatter.

(Much gagging and revulsion occurred during creation of this post while obtaining appropriate images... I think I'm going to be sick.)

24 Hours.

2012-02-03T10:00:00.001-05:00

So last week-end I had the privilege of getting away for a few days. I got to hang out with some members of my writer's group. They reminded we started in 2005. Wow. That's a long time. This was our first retreat and it was a pleasure to laugh, eat good food and talk about writing. We talked about article ideas, publishing, writing books, etc. And boy was I inspired. I ended up writing 20,000 words. And did I mention the yummy food. I'm so thankful they have such an appreciation for GOOD food...

But prior to their coming down I had 24 hours by myself. I drove down by myself and slept alone... and enjoyed peace and quiet... and music... I lit candles and read a novel (Agatha Christie). I took an hour long bubble bath... and I do not exaggerate... okay, it might have been longer than an hour. I don't know. I went to bed early and woke up too early so I let myself go back to sleep... just because I could.

This had been the first time, literally, in YEARS that I spent 24 hours by myself. Yes, I've had breaks but they have always involved being with Mike or being with friends... never just me. Always with someone I know. But it felt good to be me without anyone. To eat when and what I wanted. I didn't even have a proper dinner just a PB&J and yogurt. :) I kept the place tidy and clean and there was no one there to mess things up but me. It was kind of a shocking surprise. Oh yeah, I guess 5 kids do affect your living space!

I somehow, don't ask me how exactly, forgot my pants. I drove down in sweatpants and I had packed TWO pairs of pajama pants but I didn't have any other pants- no jeans, khakis- nothing. Awkward, especially because they weren't cute sweats... they were, well, something to wear when I didn't care how anyone saw me. My jeans (my favorite go-to wear) were left neatly folded by my bed. Mike told me to go get some pants. You don't have to ask me twice. I went to the Gap outlet (again, by myself) and found a cute pair of jeans for a good price. I then also found a black skirt and a cute denim skirt ($7.99- yeah, baby). What a treat. I left the store wearing my new jeans.

All in all, what a great reminder what 24 hours can do for someone. Make them feel alive and like a person. And kind of remember who they are. I've also recently come across some revelations about my identity... but I'll save that for another post but I'll leave it at this... it's been so good of God to remind me of who I am... I am His and that makes all the difference.

Needs, Wants, & Espresso Machines.

2012-01-21T01:43:00.000-05:00

It's almost one in the morning. Peter's bouncing up and down in his crib and laughing maniacally. He woke up with a poopie diaper and will not go back to sleep. Thankfully Libby is managing to sleep through this.

I'm winding down on a head/chest cold thing I've had on and off for a few weeks. I think I'm really on the other end... this time. Yay. And then I just got hit with a sudden tummy problem and am now well... you don't need the details. So I'm waiting this whole thing out. For my tummy to settle and for Peter to fall asleep.

Mike has men's breakfast (with church) tomorrow and so I will be handling the crew... and I'm hoping that the remaining hours I have left uninterrupted will be good sleep.

I've been reading this book called "Gotta Have It: Freedom from Wanting Everything RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW." There's a lot I can say about it. So much I want to delve into but I'm going to try to limit it to a particular epiphany I had last night.

It's funny how you can hear something, read something and even kind of "know" something but then you experience it again and it hits you. It goes beyond your brain and penetrates your heart. I think it goes as deep as your soul. Well, that happened for me last night.

I was in bed listening to Mike read to Libby the passage in Matthew regarding worry. How will worrying add to your life... and look at the beauty of the flowers and the birds... they don't worry about clothes or food... knowing God will provide for them.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

(Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)

Now I've heard this before plenty. It's not anything new... but it came alive to me as I later was reading my book. One of the things that struck me is that Jesus is telling us to not worry about our NEEDS.

Libby has recently been going through in school the difference between needs and wants. Needs consist of water, food, air, shelter. Wants are things like toys, games, books, cars, houses, etc.

So what I appreciate about the passage above is how it states that we do not need to be anxious about our life: food, clothes, etc. Wow. But why do I not need to be anxious/worried? Because our Heavenly Father KNOWS that we need them. In a different version it says because He CARES. That's intimate. He cares about my needs. They're not petty to him.

"Even if we don't have a good handle on what our needs are, God does. And not only is He God; He's also our Father. And as a father, He's generous. He knows our needs, and He has a plan to supply them- and much more."

I'm probably not making sense because it's super late now and I'm exhausted but what I wanted to convey was this new found understanding of truly being at rest in God. Submitting and laying down my desires... and even my needs knowing that He knows what I need... and He knows way better than I do. I was at such peace last night when I fell asleep. And it's carried through in the day.

Now I know feelings go up and down and change. But truth doesn't. And the truth of God knowing and meeting my needs is amazing. Especially because I've been very anxious about it. I'd been so stressed about Mike needing work and not having work and wondering what we were going to do and how it was all going to work out. I've been putting so much stress upon myself to figure it out. I'm a planner and I have been feeling frantic and that we have no game plan for our life. In fact I have been despairing of ever having a future for us that held good things.

It's been 10 years of craziness. wonderful things. Horrible things. Beautiful. Tragic. Sickness. Death. Moving. Lots of pregnancies and babies. School and more school. teaching. trusting. hoping.

But my hope had begun to wain. I had begun to believe nothing good could happen to us. I was beginning to fear that another disaster/tragedy awaited us just around the next bend. But now, I hold firmly to my Saviour and my God and I know that He knows what we need. He knows what my husband needs and my children need and I need. And I can rest in the fact that I don't have to carry it. I can let it go.

Today God did something really cool for me. Mike and I were dropping off several boxes and bags of give-away stuff at the thrift store. We walked in and were told everything is 20% off. One of the amazing finds there was an espresso machine... listed for $10... but with the discount- $8!

Now here's the background. I was a barista for 3 years at Starbucks. I've always wanted my own espresso machine but it's always been something I put on the back burner. This Christmas that's what I wanted was an espresso machine. But they're really pricey. Cheap ones are about $80 and the really good ones run between $300-$600. Yikes. So anyway... I let it go.

But today Mike finds this Mr. Coffee Espresso Machine. We took a chance and got it. When we got home I cleaned it up and sanitized it. I heated water with the steam wand and cleaned out the filter.

It felt amazing to put finely ground coffee in the espresso filter and to tamp it. To add water. To put cold milk in the steam pitcher. To heat and foam or "froth" the milk. My epsresso shots were beautiful with the lovely golden brown crema on top and a nice solid earthy body body. The smell was intoxicating. I made lattes for me, Mike and Rebecca. It was lovely. So nice.

And as I sipped my coffee I kept thinking. Wow. God cares. He cares enough to let me have an espresso machine so I can make coffee at home and bless others and enjoy it myself. He is so good!

Come and hang out. I'm looking forward to making you a latte or cappuccino.

Being a tooth fairy.

2012-01-17T12:34:00.000-05:00

Libby's been losing teeth left and right as of late. And just this past week Samuel has not just lost his first tooth but his second as well. My oldest two are starting to look like jack-o-lanterns.

Me: As a tooth fairy

I try to be excited when they lose teeth but I must confess... part of me is sad. They're growing up. They're losing their BABY teeth. In addition the very nature of this leads me to play another role: The Tooth Fairy.

I try to diligently remember to find the tooth and replace it with a dollar but sometimes it's not always smooth. I've had issues with finding the tooth. Sometimes it's rolled off the bed or got caught in the sheets. One time, Libby awoke in the morning with her dollar in hand and brings me the missing tooth. "Mommy, the fairy forgot the tooth." I promise to get it to her, because after all the tooth fairy and I have connections.

Another time Libby couldn't find her dollar or her tooth and was quite hysterical. I had put the dollar there. I had taken the tooth. I brought her back to her room and lifted her pillow. Her sobbing ceased. "Oh, I didn't look there." Sigh.

Samuel is new to the whole lose a tooth and get some money thing. In fact I was able to tell him just yesterday that the tooth fairy flew by and dropped off not just one bill but two... she was delayed bringing the first tooth's money... in all fairness, he lost his tooth somewhere and we haven't seen it since. Samuel actually wiggled his tooth out at church on Sunday evening.

With Libby you can not even act like you're going to touch her loose tooth. I'll do it myself thank you very much is her attitude. And she'll show you her wiggily tooth til the cows come home but God forbid you try and touch it yourself.

Yesterday, Libby brought me the tooth she lost... she had placed it beautifully in a sea shell. "Mom, (said with a knowing look) the tooth fairy for-goo-ot (in sing-song voice). Well, I thought Mike had brought me her tooth the night before... but it was actually Samuel's tooth. It's confusing when they both lost a tooth on the same day. So I took the tooth from Libby and told her I'd "get a hold of the tooth fairy".

I then went into my closet and got a one dollar bill and rolled it up and tied it in ribbon. About 10 minutes later I presented it to Libby telling her the tooth fairy was sorry she got hold up.

Ian wants in. He wants the money. "See Mom. My teeth are wiggily." Thankfully they are not. "Hon, wait til you get older. You will lose your teeth too."

Someday I will stop playing the tooth fairy... but I hope it's not for a long time. I'm enjoying them being small and I wish I could freeze this time and make it last forever. I seem them growing and maturing. Becoming more independent. Trying to savor each moment... and each lost tooth.

New Year and being made new...

2012-01-09T19:28:00.001-05:00

Hello. Happy New Year. I've not written recently because I've been very busy. Mike put in a 70 hour work-week last week. This was a "one time" deal and it was intense. Mike would leave after Libby, Samuel and Michael were on the bus and often wouldn't get home til after 9. I felt a taste of being a single Mom. My respect and appreciation for Single Mom's and Navy wives has gone through the roof. Ladies, I don't know how you do it.

Samuel needed to go to the doctor's. He was having an asthma flare up. In addition he was complaining of foot pain. Okay, he was screaming about foot pain to be accurate. So to be on the safe side the doctor ordered an x-ray. Thankfully we completed that in enough time so that I could get home and pick up Michael from the bus.

As crazy as the week was it was also refreshing and sweet. I tried to keep things as simple as I could. We had frozen pizza for dinner twice :) Homework was done. Kids got meds.

In addition to the regular craziness our washing machine broke. The one that all 13 of us in the house depend on. My in-laws have graciously helped us with laundry. Thanks Faf! I have about 7 trash sized bags of laundry to do... and some of it has throw up on the clothes, courtesy of Samuel.

So, yes. Life is pretty much normal. I've been under the weather with a chest cold. So emergen-c and mucinex have been my friend. Mike has been an angel and has let me sleep in yesterday and today... til noon. Yikes, right! I feel a lot less exhausted now and I think the sleep was very healing.

Tonight Libby asked to read a story from my favorite children's book:

The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name

I love this book. I love how it all points to Jesus... our need for a rescuer. Tonight we were reading the last "story" about John's vision (Revelation) of Heaven. It was amazing. I started crying mid-way through. It's powerfully written.

Libby asked a big question. "Mommy does everyone go to Heaven?" I told her the truth. "No, honey. Not everyone is going to Heaven." And with that start we talked about Heaven, Jesus, Hell. We talked about Jesus living a perfect life, dying on the cross and being raised from the dead. I told her if we believed in Jesus Christ he would forgive us of our sins and we would have a relationship with Him. We would become children of God. I pulled Mike into the room quickly so we could all talk together. She told us that she wants to believe. Mike and I each prayed for her and then she went to her room to pray to Jesus privately. I was very affected. I long to talk to Libby more about it tomorrow. Her heart has always been sensitive to God. She wants to be sure her brothers believe too. I have a feeling there is a lot more to come over time.

On New Year's Day Mike had the privilege of preaching at church. He did a great job. He spoke about Samuel and our family testimony a little bit but mainly about Psalm 41. To hear his message go here.

I hope you find encouragement and refreshment from it as I did. It's good to be reminded that we indeed know the ending of the story.

This is where I started crying reading Libby the storybook Bible:

"And the King says, 'Look! God and his children are together again. No more running away. Or hiding. No more crying or being lonely or afraid. No more being sick or dying. Because all those things are gone forever. Everything sad has come untrue. And see-I have wiped every tear from every eye!' And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, 'Look, I am making everything new!' It was hard to squeeze all John saw into words. And fit it onto a page. And cram it into a book. All the words on all the pages of all the books in all the world would never be enough. 'I am the Begininning,' Jesus said, 'and the Ending!' One day, John knew, Heaven would come down and mend God's broken world and make it our true, perfect home once again. And he knew in some mysterious way that would be hard to explain, that everything was going to be more wonderful for once having been so sad. And he knew that the ending of the The Story was going to be so great, it would make all the sadness and tears and everything seem like just a shadow that is chased away by the morning sun. 'I'm on my way,' said Jesus. 'I'll be there soon!' John came to th end of his book. But he didn't write 'The End.' Because, of course, that's how stories finish. (And this one's not over yet.) So instead, he wrote, 'Come quickly, Jesus!' Which, perhaps is really just another way of saying....To be continued."

Half full.

2011-12-28T23:51:00.000-05:00

Half of my day my gut was in knots and I wrung my hands walking in circles and feeling like I was going to throw-up on something. Today was Samuel's CT scan. There were some frustrating experiences that kind of exacerbated the anxiety. It wasn't until after 3 in the afternoon that we got results.

Samuel screamed a lot today. We had to do an IV because he no longer has a CVL that we can draw blood from and push contrast through. So... that was painful. He was writhing, shaking, hitting, kicking and pushing. It's heartbreaking. It's frustrating. It makes me want to go punch a wall. But instead I rub my husband's shoulders as he has our son in a bear embrace to keep Samuel from moving as he is being poked with needles. The first stick didn't take... so guess what... you do it over again.

The problem started early on when the radiologist tech told Samuel that he would need an IV before she had anything to start one with. She wasn't ready or prepared. If looks could kill Mike would have slain that woman. Yeah, she really wasn't thinking. He started crying and getting hysterical... so much so that the tech sent us up to the clinic to have them take blood and start the IV. She wimped out.

We had arrived at the hospital at 8 this morning. It was 9:10 when we were seen by the tech. It was 9:45 when she sent us upstairs. It was almost 11 when the IV was finally placed. It was 11:30 when we had the CT scan. It was 11:45 when we saw the oncologist. And then after 3 for the results. My new favorite 3 letters N.E.D.... No Evidence of Disease.

This transition of resuming "normal life" after treatment has not been easy. It's confusing. So much has changed... and so much hasn't. Samuel still has pain. Because of the radiation... the scar tissue from where the tumor died... side effects of chemo... etc. Samuel has painful bowel movements. He cries and screams... and it's a mess. Trying to encourage him to use the potty is like asking your kid to hold their breath under water for 5 minutes. Torture.

Samuel's diet is not varied. We can barely get him to try new things. He gags and throws up so easily. His issues of oral aversion only got worse with his cancer diagnosis. His staples consist of dry instant maple brown sugar oatmeal, go-gurt, cheetoh puffs, applesauce, fries and Cliff Z bars (nutrition bars for kids). So beside wanting sugary junk like cookies or frosting on cupcakes there is not much else he will eat. I agonize over this. I know he needs proper nutrition. He gets a feed every night through his g-tube so I know he's getting the nutrients he needs but still....

I mean come on. How many of you have read about all the good anti-cancer foods out there. Broccoli, spinach, blueberries, etc. Heck, I wish I could just get him to eat mac n' cheese, chicken nuggets... something! I mean yeah, veggies would be a bonus. So hopefully over time I will slowly get him to take a bite of new things. Literally one bite. And go from there. In the meantime I might start juicing carrots and green veggies like spinach and cucumbers and putting it in his feeding tube.

Who am I? This question echoes in my head as I stare vacantly into the mirror. Who is that person peering back at me? Vague thoughts bounce around.That unshowered person with no make-up.... when has she brushed her teeth last? Did she even fix her hair? Oh, yep, that's definitely chocolate smeared on her shirt... but hey it's complimented by the yogurt on the other sleeve. She looks tired. Is there a woman underneath all that mess? Yes. Buried underneath requiring deep excavation and overhaul... but I'm still there, somewhere.

Then there's the guilt that comes piling on faster than a plate on Thanksgiving Day. Should I do this? Should I do that? How do I care for the special needs? The regular needs? Which thing should I turn my attention to in this moment... the playroom that looks like it was blown up by a toy explosion. Kid whacking other kid with a block. the child in tears because a toy was "stolen". The spilled milk on the table. The banana and yogurt mush on the floor... the pile of dishes in the sink. The crying baby. The exhausted student. The homework. The laundry.

My bedroom that has somehow become the secret operating headquarters of every member in our family- piles of clean clothes in laundry basket, dirty dishes, broken toy, Christmas wrapping paper, half-eaten snack bar, box of items that I need to do something about, box of half-written Christmas cards.

Reminders of all that is undone everywhere I look. The phone calls that need to be made. The appointments that need to be scheduled. The child that needs to be listened to. My lap needs to be sat on by a minimum of two children at a time and an assortment of books ranging from my little pony to dr. seuss to thomas the train and the magic school bus are placed at my feet. Good thing I'm sitting indian style.

All that said, this may sound crazy, but I know this truth, I'm going to miss this one day. My kids are going to grow up. And they're going to leave... and have lives of their own. Wow. In 17 years Peter will be 18. And I know 17 years is a very short time. In 11 years Libby will be 18. 11 years. I've been in love with my husband for 10 years. 11 is not long. It's a blink. It's a breath. Inhale. Exhale. Time passes too quickly.

So instead of focusing on my disaster of a room... or all the things left undone I'm going to stop and savor. Savor the smell of my son's head... a mixture of banana and sunshine. Enjoy the beautiful drawings and pictures my daughter makes for me. The monkey antics of a little boy who desperately wants Mommy's attention. The unspoken communication through the raise of little eyebrows while a hand is jammed into a mouth.

This winter break has been so good. I've just been enjoying my kids. Enjoying reading to them. Playing with them. Singing with them. Dancing with them. Feeding them. Bathing them. Talking about Jesus with them. And I think I'm learning that at the end of the day it's more important that they know how loved they are than how pretty and put together Mommy is or the house is. I think they like my smile and snuggles more than make-up, style and a cold tone or harsh rebuke.

You know when Mama ain't happy.... no bodys happy.

So, adjust my attitude. Enjoy the dirt. It will pass. One day my kids will be out of the house and it will be clean. But I think secretly I hope it's never perfect. I hope that I have grandchildren mucking it up for me. I don't want to be so caught up in my own little world that I can't let life enter. Life is messy. It's complicated. It's beautiful. It's horrible. It's painful. It's transforming. It's full of CT Scans and medical appointments. It's full of pancakes and syrup. It's mopping the floor. It's watching your children make up knock-knock jokes that make no sense whatsoever but you're laughing so hard because they are hysterical. It's watching the performance of a world-famous hoola-hoop artist. It's broken crayons and coloring outside of the lines. It's grocery store shopping with five kids by yourself. It's running out of toilet paper. It's cooking the perfect turkey. It's burning the cookies. It's putting on a band-aid after kissing owies. It's music at night. It's belly laughs while watching NBC comedy shows. It's apple with peanutbutter. It's roses with thorns. Somedays I'm walking on broken glass. Somedays I pretend taking a shower is time at a spa. It's winter's bleak gray sadness with the promise of spring. It's burning fevers and Tylenol. It's a pair of red high-heels. It's a perfect quote from a book that captures your heart sentiments. It's warm cozy blankets with hot cocoa with peppermint whipcream. It's writing your heart on paper... or at least on a screen.

Congratulations. If you have read this far you should be proud. You have read the ramblings of a tired, borderline crazy Mama. Thanks. I think I've said enough for one day...

Christmas reflections

2011-12-19T16:39:00.001-05:00

Holidays have this way of bringing out the best and worst in people. I'm constantly amazed by people's hostility and rudeness and also overwhelming kind-heartedness and generosity.

Some people are happy. They are in a new relationship, just got married, got a promotion at work, had a healthy new baby added to the family. And others are devastatingly sad, juggling grief, loss, and painful memories. Others are bewildered. Just tired, overwhelmed, and burnt out.Whether it's loneliness, a loss of job, family member or friend, or just plain exhaustion the holidays tend to exacerbate the situation.

The days run short. The nights run long. The bills stack up.

And then all the events started. School winter programs. Holiday cookies. Reminders to provide hot cocoa for the class event. Pajama day at school. Bring this. Buy that. Remember this. Blah.

I don't mean to sound scroogey but I'm kind of over the chaos of the holidays. People dragging whining children in stores (yes, I still take them with me). People buying meaningless gifts with money they don't have for people they feel obligated to give something to. Silly, isn't it?

Is it as mad as people trampling others so they can't get the best black Friday deals? And we think the Spaniards are crazy for their bull runs.

Here's the thing. The question you have to ask yourself.

What am I celebrating for?

Really think about it.

If your answer isn't celebrating Jesus, God who took on flesh, Saviour of the World, then well, I guess all the other stuff makes sense. We're trying to fill empty spaces with air. Meaninglessness. Nothing else satisfies.

Not Christmas presents, cards, candy, parties, lights, decorations, and not even people. Nothing will truly satisfy the cry of the heart.

I read a book last night to my children called Goodnight Jesus, or Nighty Night Jesus. Something like that. They didn't understand why the donkey would have been surprised to find a baby in the manger. I had to explain... this is where the donkey would have gotten his food. This is where the animals would gather to chow down.

The King of Kings. Creator of all. Savior of the World. Emmanuel. Come to sleep in a feeding trough.

Born of an unwed, virgin teenager.

A humble, hungry, crying infant... dependent on his mother for nourishment, warmth and provision.

And it's not just the birth, but the life, death, and resurrection that gives us Hope. God has restored us to Himself through Himself. Pretty Awesome to think about.

So this may not make everything seem good or rosy. You'll probably still get annoyed if someone cuts ahead of you in line or bumps into your shopping cart. But the good news is that God came for us. He came into a smelly stable so that He could save wretches like us. He came to bring us to Him.

I'm still frustrated with my kids. Contemplating what I will make for dinner... spaghetti or waffles. Somethings don't just magically change.

But I hope that as I reflect on what I'm celebrating that my heart would change. That my heart would long to love others and share kindness and friendship... knowing in and of themselves it's not good enough but when your heart is filled with the hope that comes from Jesus Christ may it spill over to to every other part of me.

Happy Endings.

2011-12-18T20:26:00.000-05:00

Last night was a normal night. Preparing dinner. Getting kids into bed. Doing the teeth brushing ceremonies. The pajama dance. And bedtime reading ritual.

And then I got a message. "They are okay. Kristin and Madison were in a car accident." My stomach dropped. The love I feel for my sister-in-law and my baby niece is intense. If things weren't "okay" I would have been undone.

It's moments like those that I recognize how blessed I am. And how much I love.

The thing I appreciated about how I was told was the first sentence. "They are okay." I know the end result before I even knew what happened.

It's kind of a reminder of where I'm at. I have the promises of God and the hope of Heaven to propel me forward. So the bad thing that happen now are okay. I know the ending.

I wish I could remind myself of this reality regularly. In the end all will be well. This isn't the end of the story. We're caught in the middle right now.

Can you imagine watching a movie that is horribly intense and sad... with tremendous suffering. And you were left hanging not knowing what the ending is... but what if you were to watch that same movie and you knew that the ending was not only good but redemptive, beautiful, and transforming. That is our story.

If our hope is in Jesus Christ, our Savior, then we know the ending. And it's not just okay... it's AMAZING. Beyond what we can imagine. We will live with God for ever. No more sin, sorrow, suffering. No tears of grief. No more loss. No more jealousy. No more comparing. No more gossip. No more murder. No more hatred. No more crime. No more frustration. And more than the absence of pain and the consequences of sin... but the presence of God. He has given us Himself. All things will be made new. And we will be HOME. The place where we were made for. In the presence of the One who made us, loves us, redeems us, and transforms us into His likeness.

It's the ultimate ending...

In the Storm

2011-12-15T14:58:00.002-05:00

I don't know how good you are at reading between the lines so let me spell it out for you... I'm not doing well right now. My mind has been tossed to and fro and I've been shaken to my inmost parts. I feel like a fragile bird's shell. The slightest pressure breaks me and spills me out. And it's messy. Very messy.

The intensity of life has been building over the years and I'm so worn out. I no longer have a shell to protect me. My skin is vulnerable. No scales to cover or shield me. I'm completely exposed. Raw. Pathetic and broken.

I have gone to some of my close friends and sought help. So much good encouragement. My Grandma reminded me to listen for God's answer. And this morning in the middle of cleaning the kitchen I heard Him. Nothing audible. Nothing life-shattering. But a simple prompt in my heart, "I've already lived life perfectly. You are released."

Whoa. You mean I don't have to keep trying... I had found myself saying over and over lately, "I just can't do it anymore." But this can stop. I don't have to do it anymore. I can surrender myself to Him and say, "You do it. I'll stop trying."

God is showing me that any good thing that's going to come out of my life, my heart, my family... it's going to be His. He's the One who is going to make it happen. He will make it possible. He will receive the glory. It's not me. It's not my attempts to survive or even venture to thrive. When people will look at me and my life they will be aware that it's not anything I've done. It's God. It's Him preserving me. It's not my work. It's not my frail efforts. It's His power of the Holy Spirit at work in me.

I realized this morning that I had lost my confidence because I had forgotten who I am. I had been constantly second-guessing and doubting myself. I would over think things to the nth degree. But when I am reminded that the same spirit that empowered Christ is dwelling within me... and I can trust Him to lead me, guide me and carry me through this. My friend Amy reminded me of 2 Corinthians 1:3-11

3 fBlessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7 Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

8 For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11 You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

(Bold and italic emphases are mine)

I can relate to being so burdened you despair of life itself. That has been a struggle of mine lately. Yes, I've been in a very dark place. But my hope is also the same... that I wouldn't rely on myself but on God who raises the dead. He will deliver me from myself. That same power that raises from the dead dwells in me.

Thank you Jesus that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to have it together. I don't need to pretend I'm okay. Thank you for your life lived perfectly and for your sacrifice on the cross. Thank you for forgiving me of my sins and for making me into a new creature. Bringing the dead back to life. Thank you that your Spirit lives in me. You are bigger than the mess I am. You will make all things new.

2011-12-14T07:27:00.000-05:00

I'm lying in bed waiting for the alarm to go off. The reminder that my day needs to officially begin. I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't fall asleep until after 1:30. I could hear Mike getting up at 5:30 to wrangle the kids into their clothes and see them off to the bus. 6:55 my alarm reminds me to take some action. So I set my alarm for 7:15 and I lie in bed sick to my stomach with anxious thoughts swirling in my head. Thankfully my son comes to bother me a few times so I can't fall back asleep. He needs me to help him open his wrapper on his breakfast bar among other needs.

My eyes sting and feel itchy and scratchy. My throat burns as it has for almost a week now. And I lay in bed unsettled, restless and wild.

I don't want to start this day. I want to fall asleep with the blankets over my head and just pretend it all away. Maybe I don't need to be responsible this day. But I do. And I need to get ready now. And yet I keep typing.

Maybe if I type long enough I will gather some momentum. The cold doesn't help much. It makes me want to stay warm under my covers, putting off that which needs to be done.

And yet God is still God even of this day. It's not a mistake. It's not by chance. And this is a day I can rejoice in. Even with all the mundane and not so mundane that is set before me.

My stomach is still unsettled. My thoughts are somewhat scattered. But I am reminded that the God who never sleeps is watching over me. He knows my anxious thoughts. I pray for His peace that surpasses all understanding and I set down my computer to ready myself for this day. This is the day that the Lord has made and I will choose to rejoice and be glad in it.

Adrift

2011-12-06T15:33:00.001-05:00

I've been weary. The kind of weariness that almost takes on a dream-like quality. I find myself trying to do things but I keep going slower and slower. It's like I'm moving through mud... or maybe even quick sand. Because not only is it hard to keep pressing forward but I find myself sinking down, down, down. Almost afraid that I will soon be in over my head.

Tomorrow (December 7th) would have been my beautiful sister's 29th birthday. And she's not here to celebrate with. She's having the best party imaginable. In Heaven. With Jesus. And her son. And those who have gone ahead. Lucky.

In the meantime I'm still in this sinful, painful, broken world. And frankly it sucks.

I find myself going through the motions. doing laundry. Washing dishes. Preparing meals. Giving kids their medicine. Reading books. Exercising. But I feel so on the brink of breaking. Imploding. Collapsing in on myself.

Even the normal and mundane tasks feel more than I can bear. a fatigue has set in that I can't shake. The lethargy grips me before I even rise in the morning. I feel tired and overwhelmed before the day begins.

I know it won't always feel this bad. And I hold onto that in the midst.

I'm difficult right now. Moody. Irritable. Raw. Quickly hurt. Quick to be angry. I'm so frustrated with myself. Because I'm not behaving how I think I should. I should be kind. Patient. Gentle. Loving. Etc. But I'm not. And I can't even be better. I can't do it on my own. That's where I fall on my face and scream, "Jesus help me. I can't do this." And somehow, miraculously, I find myself getting through the day. And another day. And through the week.

Samuel's scans are on the 28th. Yippee. Something to dread through Christmas. I'm trying to put the anxiety aside but it keeps popping up like a buoy in the ocean. I try to shove it under the water... and I succeed for a little while and then bam. It pops up again.

So, yeah, I'm not a cheerful, uplifting person to be around or read right now. That's okay. God is big enough to hold on and hopefully you can bear with me during this rocky time.

A lot of people have asked me how things are going right now. That's hard to answer. We are extremely grateful that Samuel's life has been preserved. He still has bouts of pain. Lot of late effects from chemo and radiation. Lots of big adjustments. We are still trying to figure out what life is outside of "living" at the hospital. Mike is proactively looking for work. We are still trying to pull things together... and it still continues to be a struggle. One day at a time. We hope that we're on the upswing of things. We know life has been harder at various points then it is right now but we're still struggling under the pressure, stress, intense suffering of many years.

So please be praying for us and asking God to uphold us. We are hanging in there... and sometimes that's all you can do.

A few thoughts after the fact.

2011-11-26T00:13:00.001-05:00

So how do you follow up a post on Disney?

I've had so much to say... so much inside my head that I've been wanting to verbally express and a lot that I'm trying to process... being tongue-tied has left my post a blank. So instead of carefully composing I'm going to slap my paint on a canvas and start somewhere. It might be messy... less than ideal... but it's real.

Our time away was good. The kids did an amazing job traveling and we really enjoyed watching them have so many new, different and exciting experiences. It was a blessing to be able to go somewhere where we didn't have to worry about the cost of parking, park admission, hotel costs, etc. And with a family of 7 and with our friend Alexis to help us... well, 8 people... it's a lot.

I found myself so grateful yesterday... so much God has given us. Above and beyond what we need. I'm a rich woman indeed. The Lord is truly our provider. And He is a giver of good gifts.

I also found myself heartbroken... and outright weeping. I missed my sister. I found myself in the presence of many sister relationships yesterday and it reminded me of how much I am missing with my sister gone. I was thankful that the relationships reflected were good. That they were sisters who love each other very much. But I missed Libby. And I felt a little lost. And it hurt so bad.

Things are not right here on earth. I shouldn't be surprised by the continued brokenness and that things are not made whole yet. But I am. And it catches me off guard. Like the moment when you know you are falling and you try to catch yourself, but it's too late... all you can do is maybe use your hands to help cradle your fall. Your palms end up scratched. The impact is quite jarring. The thing was, I didn't catch myself falling.I found myself on the ground. I didn't know why I was hurting til after the tears already began to spill down my cheeks.

Grief catches me unaware. It's a suckerpunch. It comes out of nowhere. It hits hard and fast and almost always a surprise. There's no time to think, react or respond... it smashes into me like a bumper car, crashing ... and I'm left with whiplash.

I don't understand my life at times. I feel torn between two worlds. There is the "normal" world or maybe I should say "ordinary" or "average". People with typical families. They don't have kids with life-threatening illness. They have problems... and I'm not downplaying the stress or the suffering of the daily wear and tear that life brings... but it's different. In this world I find myself trying to relate and find myself grasping and missing the connection so often.

E.G. I'm at the YMCA today and this is a real conversation between me and one of the attendant caregivers at the play area.

Me: "Can you please try and remind Samuel to use the restroom? He's in a pull-up but he needs to be reminded....
Caregiver: "Of course we have lots of kids in pull-ups."
Me: "Well, he was pottytrained... it's just his cancer has made it hard...."
A minute later... talking about Michael with same attendant.
Me: (smiling at Peter in the baby section for non-walkers) "I remember it took so long to get Michael out of the non-walking area..."
Attendant: "Lots of kids walk late..."
Me: "Well, Michael walked late because he was a preemie and has cerebral palsy... We're so thankful when he started walking...."

Why do I try and explain? Why can't I just shut up and nod to the 18-19 year old who thinks they're talking normal parenting jargon with me? Why can't I just drop it? Why do I have to show how freakish our life is... exposing it like some horrible scar that I should have left covered up. It's the reality of my life...

Sometimes I'm so damn stupid.

My attempts to want to be honest tend to get me nowhere in those kinds of settings. I usually can be quiet about it. Today I wasn't. It's not like anything I said was untrue but I feel as if I said something shocking or shameful... something that made everyone uncomfortable. Like breaking a holy moment with profanity.

And then I'm mad because of the hot shame that burns my cheeks. I shouldn't be embarrassed about talking about my life.

I get frustrated, and jealous and annoyed at the Mom sitting across from me in the doctor's office. Her toddler daughter looks like the picture of health across from me. But the Mom is fretting and worried and I just want to shake her and say, "She's not going to die from this cold. Be thankful it's not cancer." Aaaaagh. Where does this come from? It's a normal thing for a parent to be concerned about their child. I don't want this lady to experience the same suffering I've walked through.

And then there's the other world. The world where chemo and radiation are a normal part of everyday conversation. Where "scans" makes your heart race and you discuss the pros and cons of anti-nausea meds. Or the world in which the child is deformed. Unable to stop their hands from becoming bent and clawed... or shaking their limbs or twitching their heads. The world where people look on in pity... or disgust... or just look away because it's too painful too look. I've seen those who have it worse than me. I've seen their exhausted hollow faces. I've seen them try to protect their child bound to a wheelchair from the cruel world that surrounds them.

And I bounce back and forth between these two worlds. I feel like a ping-pong ball being sent back and forth... to and fro. And I don't know how to relate... and I don't know how to acclimate. And I know that both these worlds have suffering. And both these worlds are broken... and I don't know where I fit. And I don't know what to say. And in one world I'm a personal reminder that bad things happen... and in the other that they're not alone... we're in the same boat.

This division wreaks havoc on me... mentally, emotionally. I feel frayed and worn. I see that I have so much to be grateful for... but get angry when others aren't quick to be thankful for their circumstances. Who made me the gratitude police?

I found myself in Florida experiencing increasing tension between the two worlds. We would be at Give Kids the World... staying with other families who have children with life threatening illnesses. The place where all of us "odd-balls" are normal. Where it's just as typical to see a child in a wheel chair and where special needs are seen as typical needs.

And then to go to the Parks and be bombarded by the "normals". Aaagggh. It was making me crazy at times. Kids screaming and falling apart with the "gimmees" and the demands of children gone wild around us. I could see some people give us questioning looks as to why we got special fast lane privileges... It made me want to say... well, you can have this privilege too if your child gets cancer.

This desire. This "need" of mine to be understood. And even accepted. It's the cry of my heart. But I am gently reminded by God. Only He really understands. Only He gets it. He knows the intimate details of all my circumstances... all my life situations... He knows the depths of my heart and the secret hurts... He knows all the wounds and scars I carry. Nothing is secret from Him. He longs for me to bring myself to Him... all of my imperfections and worries and heartache. And even as I groan in this earthly body.... even now, Jesus is interceding on my behalf. Praying perfectly for me... And He loves me and He knows me.

And so I rest in that tonight, I am loved and known by the Great I Am. The One who made the stars and formed the galaxies also knows the intricate details of my heart. And although I collide in these worlds that feel at times like night and day... I know God is in control- He hasn't changed. I belong to Him. He is my hope. This world is not my home. And One day ALL things will be made new.

A glimpse at us at Disney

2011-11-20T09:34:00.001-05:00

Best of Friends.

2011-11-14T18:49:00.001-05:00

Libby and Samuel are truly best of friends. I am so thankful for their love and affection for each other. They are sensitive to each other, aware of each other's feelings and how the other is doing. It was really hard for Libby when Samuel was diagnosed with cancer. She had to adjust to a new school, new teacher... and no little brother to walk alongside her... She was so worried about Samuel dying and struggled with being unable to express her feelings and concerns. I'm so thankful and blessed that they love each other so much. I'm grateful that we have now... over a year later, able to enjoy seeing them in all their sibling-ness. Playing and talking, pretending and laughing with one another. It's such a gift.

2011-11-10T19:04:00.001-05:00

Mike's Message.

2011-11-09T13:32:00.001-05:00

Mike spoke last Saturday night to Access our Church's Singles Group. You can listen to him speak here.

He did a great job. He discusses Suffering and our testimony of our life together and specifically with Samuel's cancer. He also talks about Psalm 41. I highly recommend listening... it helps you understand where we're coming from but also is a good exegesis on this Psalm.

2011-11-09T12:58:00.002-05:00

Isn't Peter precious? I can't believe he just turned one on Monday. Happy Birthday Peter!

This video was taken when he was just a wee little thing. Shortly after Madison was born!

Okay, whoops! Just realized that this is the video of Madison crying while I'm trying to film Peter. Kind of funny.... Sorry Kristin! I promise she wasn't always crying like this :)

Taking the Road Less Traveled.

2011-11-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

Often I find myself when I drive thinking of the poem by Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken". The roads I take on a daily basis greet me with green. Trees are everywhere. Now they're becoming colored in scarlet, orange, and brown. And becoming bare. Shedding their layers and showing off their long limber physiques. I love the drive that I take. I love the roads I choose to venture on everyday. Living out in the country might take longer to get places but it's almost always a scenic path and peaceful. I have plenty of time to think, listen to music or NPR or books on tape. Always time for conversation. The kids are used to being in the car for extended periods of time. These are my roads I travel... from home to the front of the driveway :)

The Road Not Taken- Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Help Us Whip Cancer.

2011-11-04T15:07:00.000-04:00

A friend put together a fundraiser for Samuel. It's a pampered chef show where 25% of sales will go to his fund. If you are interested in purchasing go to www.pamperedchef.biz/kitchenpampering

Click on shop online.

And purchase. I am your host: Jennifer Napier if you need to put it down.

Any local orders I would be happy to arrange drop-off/pick-up of your order.

The guest special is if you spend $60 you receive a cookbook or bamboo kitchen towel for free.

If you spend $100 you get to Choose one cookbook, Bamboo Kitchen Towel, Easy Read Measuring Cups or Smooth-Edge Can Opener FREE

Slow down.

2011-11-04T13:34:00.000-04:00

Having a quiet moment before I burst into a flurry of activity. Trying to slow myself down. I'm so tempted to rush, rush, rush that I'm not even savoring anything of my life. I don't like it when I live from event to event or one "to-do" to the next. I don't even appreciate what I accomplish... I gulp down some caffeine and push myself to the next thing. Sigh.

Why do I measure my productivity to my happiness... and even worse- to my self-worth. I forget at times that I am valuable even if I just sit and read a book. I am valuable even if my to-do list is not touched. I am valuable even if I screwed up really badly. BECAUSE I am valuable because I am in Christ. Because I was bought by His precious blood. Because He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Created in His image. A daughter of the King.

So as I sit and ponder and think and write I just want to embrace the truth like a warm blanket on a cold morning and wrap it around me. I am valuable because I am His.

When I get ready to leave and do my next action for the day may I relax, take a deep breath and be at peace. May I be aware of Jesus going with me. Planning my day is something I love... but only He knows what a day will hold. So I give it to Him and surrender.

Like I prayed over my daughter the other day, "Jesus, help us to see the good things you have for us in this day... and thank you that even in the rough things, the bad things that happen, that you are there. You promise to never leave or forsake us. Thank you for this day!"

Kids, Carseats & other feats of amazing significance.

2011-10-28T06:00:00.001-04:00

Most people think to themselves, "I want to go somewhere" and then grab a bag (maybe), their keys and walk out the door. They get in their car. Start the car. And go. That doesn't happen in our world. It is a task that sometimes feels as grueling as climbing a mountain. First, is the gathering. The bags. The diapers. The wipes. The returns to the store. The shopping lists. The sippy cups. The snacks. The activity bag (no getting bored). The coupons. The directions. The agendas. Next is the ushering out. This sounds simple... open a door and have children move towards the car. But sometimes the direction goes askew. The play ground beckons. The tricycle must be ridden. The water hose must be tampered with. A hershey's kiss must be deceptively snuck out of gramma and grampa's nest (efficiency apartment). If I can get them to the car and still have them avoiding the appealing mud puddles or rocks from the driveway then comes the next step. The wrangling into carseats. Sometimes this feels more like trying to rope tie a hog covered in oil. Not that I've done that. But I do have imagination. Getting kids over seats into the right seats and having them strapped securely. Being sure to avoid kicking a fellow sibling in the face while diving back into the way back is not something to belittle. This takes serious skill. After carseats is the final round and chorus of moans, cries, pleading, begging, or gabbing. "I need my doll." "I have to go potty." "I forgot my milk". "I need blankie." "I need my fuzzy." "Mommy, he hit me." Recently while pumping gas in the car I was informed very loudly by my daughter, "Mommy, Ian's throwing chicken nuggets at me." I was alarmed by this misbehavior but even more so because we hadn't had chicken nuggets in several days! Not only did he manage to accurately hit his sister in the back of the head with a nugget but also landed one on the dashboard of the car. Whining subsided. Passy found and soothing in progress. Thumbs are being sucked. Crackers are being eaten. Milk is being drunk. I slide into my seat. I manage to safely back out and NOT hit Ben or my Dad's vehicle and we're on our way. Rocks are crunching underneath and we leave our home to enter the unknown. Once we hit paved road we know we are successfully on our way. We are headed to "town." Seriously, yes, that is what we say. We say, "We're going into town. Need anything?" What are we? Little House on the Prairie? I don't think of myself as a country girl but how can you NOT be country when you ask the question of anything followed by "while I'm in town." "I'll go there when I'm next in town." "I will make that return while I'm in town." Yeah, it's like that. Sometimes a thumb is not enough. Michael likes to suck on all his fingers!

Fall Barbie Princess Party.

2011-10-28T06:00:00.000-04:00

Libby's Birthday party was a lot of fun. We enjoyed pizza, decorating pumpkins and a cake. I used a bundt pan for the cake and then bent Barbie in half... the cake was her "ball gown" style dress. It was a lot of fun to make. Pictures didn't turn out great... hope to eventually get a better camera so I can take better pictures... but thankful I have what I have. Should have taken pics in the daylight time... but that's hindsight, isn't it. You always see 20/20 looking back. Libby had a great time. She enjoyed her party.That's the important thing... Not my silly desires for perfection.

My Libby Girl.

2011-10-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

Don't you love the pumpkin grins. She's missing her front two teeth and one on bottom. So cute! Hard to see in the pics.... but they are missing.

My thirty-one party.

2011-10-25T23:39:00.001-04:00

My friend Shelley sells thirty-one products. I'm hosting an online party... and you're invited! Go and browse and shop here! The party closes at 5 p.m. on the 30th (this Saturday). Orders are done online. Here's a sweet deal... if you spend over $31 you get their organizing utility tote (valued at $25) for just $7.

From their signature purses and totes to storage solutions that help organize your life, you'll find something to fit every personality and situation.

Hunt Club

2011-10-25T07:28:00.000-04:00

Pictures from my time with Samuel & Libby and my cousin Emily at Hunt Club Farms

Free pancakes for kids.

2011-10-24T06:00:00.000-04:00

This Friday, October 28th, IHOP will celebrate Halloween early and give trick-or-treaters 12 and under a FREE Scary Face Pancake all day, from 7 am to 10 pm. No purchase is necessary. Enough said. Guess who's getting pancakes Friday?! I might pick up Libby from school early so we can go at an "unconventional" time when people won't be out in droves. At least I'm attempting to beat the masses. Here are more details:WHAT: IHOP restaurants will celebrate Halloween by offering kids 12 and under a free Scary Face Pancake as part of a national No Tricks – Just Treats program designed to provide kids with a safe and fun Halloween event. The Count Spatula “design-your-own” Scary Face Pancake includes an oversized signature buttermilk pancake with a whipped topping mouth and strawberry nose, served with two mini OREO® cookies and candy corn on the side to allow kids to create their own Halloween hotcake. Also, you can arrange to have a reminder call from Count Spatula... pretty cute! And helpful so you don't accidentally forget!

2011-10-23T23:11:00.000-04:00

"Will you tangle my shoes?" Samuel asking me to tie his shoes this morning.

Ian:"Are we going to Hi-Hop? (IHOP) "Cuz, I want some han-hakes!" (pancakes)

Libby has not only lost her top two teeth but has also just lost another tooth today... one near her bottom middle teeth... She looks more like a jack-a-lantern all the time.

Happy Birthday Libby!

2011-10-23T06:00:00.000-04:00

Me and My Girl.

This is my Libby Anne Hope. She is 7 today. I can't believe it. I remember when she first came into this world. Crying the most beautiful cry. Her eyes dark blueberries. She looked around and was completely alert... taking in everything. She was adored. I don't think the hospital had ever had so many people come clustered outside the nursery to see one baby. I told the nurses of why there were so many... they had come to see the Hope girl.

Libby was named after my precious sister. When my sister and her unborn son, Sam, were killed in a car accident, I decided that if the child I was carrying was a girl, her name would be Libby. So I found out on my birthday in June that indeed I was having a girl. I knew I was having a Libby. She would never replace my sister but she would be special.

I didn't know Libby would be my only girl. I thought having one I could probably have another... 4 boys later, right?! I realize it's a miracle. I guess I should have considered myself warned. Libby after all was the first Napier girl born in 82 years... all the other Napier women were married into the family. It's a world of boys out there....

So many reasons Libby is special... But I love her not just because she bears my sister's name or the first girl born in 8 decades.... but because She is MY girl! My sweet, sensitive, emotional, compassionate, thoughtful, perfectionist, dramatic daughter! I love her laugh and smile and how she goes and on and on when she talks. I love her singing and dancing. I love her care for her brothers. I love her heart. I love her creativity... from her outfit selections to her artwork... she expresses herself.

I am so proud of her and I love her so much!!!

Time Away.

2011-10-15T13:30:00.000-04:00

Mike and I are enjoying some time away. We just had two nights by ourselves. We pick up the kids this afternoon. In the past we would come to the Outerbanks and not go once to the beach. We've enjoyed walking on the beach twice. I know. Don't pass out from shock. It's funny how I tend to marvel at the quiet, the order, the peace of just being able to drink a cup of tea... the whole cup, while it's still hot. I've been a bit sick. Sinus infection/head cold managed to catch up with me. But yet, with the help of a netti pot, emergen-c, ibuprofen, etc. we've been able to enjoy a dinner out, a movie, a lot of laughter and tears as we've processed our life together thus far. It's been a mix of beauty and painful heartache. As if there was any other kind of heartache. Life is not always a beach, as the saying goes. But there's no one else I'd rather live it with than Mike.

Me & Mike

I love you Babe. Thanks for walking this crazy road with me. Thanks for being there. For being present in the midst of so much pain. From not walking away from the pain. Not turning away from the buckets of vomit. From all the shots that we were forced to give Samuel. From the hair falling out. From the exhausting nights of little to no sleep. From holding me when I cried myself to sleep. For playing with the kids, just as if it was business as usual. For Starbucks on dark days. For laughter that came after weeping. For your commitment to me and our five precious children. You have made the difference in this journey. You have helped me hold onto sanity when I wanted to give up. You pulled me out of the darkened room of my mind and prayed for me and comforted me... and asked Jesus to intercede when all hope seemed lost.

I am the woman I am because you are the man you are. I would never have asked God to give Samuel cancer... but I am thankful that even in the midst of it we have been able to see His hand at work. We have seen His provision and tender love and faithfulness in the midst of hardship.

And even now, we don't have the answers to our future but our faith is in the One who not only knows the answers but plans our purposes and directs our steps. He will be faithful to us til the end. Jesus even now intercedes on the throne on our behalf.

And with Jesus for us... who can be against us?! Can anything separate us from His love? Nope.

I love you more than words can say!

Time for me...

2011-10-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

What? Talk about selfish, right? What is this 'time for me' thing mean? I had noticed when I looked on my calendar that the only time I had scheduled for myself was doctor's appointments and parenting obligations (PTA, etc.) I have to remember to take breaks to care for myself... so that I can care for my husband and children.

Let's talk for a minute about self-care... Do the images of a self-centered person come to mind? Do thoughts of someone devoted wholly to themselves come into play?

WHAT??????!!!!!!

I used to think it was just plain wrong to have time to yourself... and as a mom of five... time to self is a very interesting thing... I mean longer than spending two minutes on the toilet... I mean TIME to self.

I used to believe it was wrong to love yourself.... but then I was challenged by Scripture... love your neighbor as your _____________. Come on. Fill in the blank.....

Self. Yep.

What does it mean to love your neighbor as YOUR SELF....?

How many of you have been on a plane? Then maybe you've heard the flight attendant's instructions. "Please put on your oxygen mask FIRST before assisting children (or other passengers) with their masks." I will tell you what. You won't be doing well if you pass out before you can put the oxygen mask on. You probably won't even get the mask on the other person...

Honestly, I can't take care of my family if I have nothing left to give. If I give, give, give.... and I tend to give up. I'm so tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed I can barely move. But if I care for myself then out of my abundance I can give to my husband and my kids and to others.

My kids will watch what I do and do it themselves. I am their role model.. whether I like it or not. Do I show them it's okay to care for yourself or do I teach them... give until you can't anymore and your burnt out and exhausted and start yelling at everyone. If I show them it's okay to take care of your needs so that you can better help others I hope that they will follow suit.

Taking care of yourself is like hitting a re-set button. You go from empty to full again...

How you can care for yourself:

-give yourself good food and lots of water.... take your vitamins or necessary medicine. Your body needs good fuel to run properly.
-Rest. You need sleep in order to function. That one makes me laugh. Because sometimes getting sleep is beyond our control... especially with young children. But if you can help it... get it! Sleep is so important.
-Exercise.... Helps your mood, fights depression, works your heart, metabolism, etc. improves your health
-Take Breaks... Whether it's from work or managing a household or children... Take breaks. Take a bath. Make a cup of tea. Relax. Read a book. Go for a walk. Meet up with a friend.Work on a Craft.
-Care for your body. It may not seem as important as your soul.... but you do only get one body... be good to it! Get Medical check-ups. Dental check-ups. Brush your teeth, floss. Moisturize. Shave. Shower. Dress up.
-RECREATION. (falls in line with taking breaks, above) I don't think we understand this word. Recreation.... defined by the Free Dictionary as follows: 1. refreshment of health or spirits by relaxation and enjoyment 2. an activity or pastime that promotes this Do something that truly rejuvenates you. Something that leaves you feeling refreshed. There is a difference between wasting your time (flipping channels, idly filling time on facebook) and doing something that will help give you renewed purpose.
Let's re-create ourselves... so we can continue to love and serve and ultimately to glorify God.
-Enjoy Life. Drink a warm favorite beverage. Paint your nails. Buy yourself some flowers or a plant. Open your window and enjoy fresh air. Burn a candle. Enjoy a piece of chocolate.
-Laugh. Watch a funny movie. Call a friend. Laugh at yourself.

Just some thoughts. Somedays I'm better than others at caring for myself. Unfortunately, the adage is true, "When Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." But the opposite is also true... when I care for myself I am usually pretty cheerful and it spreads to the rest of my family...

It doesn't need to cost money. You don't even need for it to be hours... but try and get 20 minutes or more several times a week. Write yourself some "you time" into your calendar today.

Pass the vitamin C.

2011-10-11T10:17:00.001-04:00

Mike is sick. He has a sinus/head cold thing going. He seems miserable. I bought him a new netti pot (for sanitary reasons), a plethora of emergen-c, airborne, water, gatorade, chicken broth, tissues, a bag of ricola, etc.

The key is to keep Samuel from getting sick. We're scheduled to go away for two nights this Thursday. I'm hoping he will be well enough to travel. I'm sure it will be good to get away... and it will keep Samuel from getting sick too.... but I'm hoping we can actually enjoy our time away.

We need some downtime to process our life. Talk about "next steps".... and just be.

Flashes of Hope pictures.

2011-10-09T21:02:00.000-04:00

Samuel & Peter

Me & My Love

The Fabulous Five

This is just a small sample of the fabulous pictures that were taken through "Flashes of Hope". It's a service that is provided for families who have children with cancer. They take pictures of the patient and their families for free! We get to have rights to the pictures and they printed us out a gorgeous family photo and individual shot of Samuel. We are so blessed.

Listen to Your Grandma...

2011-10-07T06:00:00.000-04:00

My Grandma said it first. She really did. She told me ways to be frugal... but did I listen... "Nooooooooo."

And here I am, realizing that she was right all along.

Okay, it's not that I thought my Grandma was wrong.... but maybe it's realizing that I'm going to implement a few ideas she had suggested to me, oh, about 8 years ago.

I was a newlywed and thought I knew what I wanted. This is coming from someone who wasn't much of a cook, a cleaner, or well, much of anything :)

I guess maybe now that I'm older and hopefully a little wiser that I'm more humble to the input of others.

My Grandma has lots of great ideas. She really does. Sometimes I deviate from the most cost effective suggestions because I need to do what's best for my family and that can be a little more costly because of the convenience, etc. But there is a season for everything under the sun (Ecclesiastes)... and hopefully this is a season for me to be more thrifty in ways I can be.

So, I'm going "old-school" on some cleaning products... Here's what I'm going with: baking soda, vinegar, lemons, castile soap, borax, and if I can find it, washing soda.

I found some good recipes online on how to turn these normal, inexpensive products into some serious "green", mean, cleaning machines.

Plus, this way I can not only cut costs but not be concerned about the chemicals that my kids would be coming into contact with.

I found these natural cleaning recipes online at www.natural-healthy-home-cleaning-tips.com

Alice’s Wonder Spray All-Purpose Household Cleaner

Ingredients: Liquid Castile soap, white distilled vinegar, borax, purified water, and an essential oil for fragrance.

What Else You’ll Need: A clean 16-oz. trigger spray bottle.

How to Make Your Own:

Mix 2 tbsp. of vinegar with 1 tsp. borax .

Fill the rest of the bottle with very hot water.

Shake until the borax is dissolved.

Add the 1/4 cup of liquid soap or.

To scent, add 10 to 15 drops of an essential oil.

I like to use a combination of lavender and lemon. Because minerals in the water inhibit cleaning, it's best to use purified or distilled water especially for this recipe. It's important to dissolve the borax in hot water so that it doesn't clog the spray nozzle. And don't mix the soap and vinegar directly together, because the soap will clump up. Please follow the order of the recipe by mixing the vinegar, borax, and water first and adding the soap last.

How to Use:

Spray and Wipe. Use Alice's Wonder Spray as you would any other all-purpose household cleaner.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Dishwashing liquids:

1/4 cup soap flakes

2 cups hot water

1/4 cup glycerin

1/2 teaspoon lemon essential oil

1) In bowl combine soap flakes and water and stir until the soap is dissolved. Cool to luke warm.

2) Stir in the glycerin and the essential oil, leave to cool. As it cools it will form a loose gel. Stir with a fork and break up the gel and then pour into a narrow-necked bottle. An old shampoo bottle makes an excellent container.

3) To use, squirt 3 teaspoonfuls into hot running water.

Liquid castile soap

10 drops lavender essential oil

8 drops rosemary essential oil

4 drops eucalyptus essential oil

1) Fill a clean 22-ounce plastic squirt bottle with castile soap (diluted according to directions if using concentrate).

2) Add the essential oils.

3) To use, squirt 3 teaspoonfuls into hot running water.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Automatic Dishwasher Detergent:

1/2 cup liquid Castile soap

1/2 cup water

1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

3 drops tea tree extract (or oil)

1/4 cup white vinegar

Baking Soda

Mix together all ingredients except the Baking soda. Store in squeeze bottle. Use 1 Tbsp. in the first cycle and 1 Tbsp. in the automatic soap dispenser for standard size dishwasher. Sprinkle a handful of baking soda over dirty dishes and in the bottom of your dishwasher to absorb odors and boost cleaning power at the start.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Oven Cleaner:

1 quart warm water

2 teaspoons borax

2 tablespoons liquid soap

Spray on solution, wait 20 minutes, then clean.

Baking soda

water

Combine one cup of baking soda with enough water to make a paste. Apply it to your oven surfaces, and let it stand a short while. Use the scouring pad for scrubbing the surfaces. A spatula or bread knife is helpful for getting under large food deposits. This recipe will require some elbow grease, but it is not toxic to you or a child.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Microwave Cleaner:

1/4 cup baking soda

1 teaspoon vinegar

5-6 drops thyme, lemongrass, or lemon essential oil

Combine all ingredients to make a paste. Apply to the walls and floor of the microwave with a soft cloth or sponge. Rinse well and leave the microwave door open ot air-dry for about 25-minutes.

__________________________________________

1 cup water

1 quart warm water

1/4 cup baking soda

To loosen dried-on food, put 1 cup water in a microwavable cup and heat in the microwave until it boils; turn off the microwave and let the water sit for 1 minute. Dissolve baking soda in 1 quart warm water and, using a sponge or cloth, wash the interior of the microwave with this solution to clean and deodorize it.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Kitchen Floor Cleaner:

1) A pencil eraser removes heel marks from a floor.

2) For greasy, no-wax floors:

1 cup vinegar

1/4 cup washing soda

1 tablespoon vegetable oil-based liquid soap

2 gallons hot water

Combine all ingredients, stirring well to dissolve the washing soda. Mop as usual.

In a bucket mix 1/2 cup white vinegar with 1-gallon hot water.

This is safe for hardwood, linoleum, tile, and any washable surface.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Appliance Cleaner:

2 cups water

1/4 cup oil-based soap

10 drops rosemary, lavender, or citrus essential oil

Combine all ingredients in a plastic spray bottle. Shake well before each use. Spray generously on appliance surface and wipe with a damp cloth or sponge. Wipe dry with a cloth or towel.

_____________________________________

1 teaspoon borax

3 tablespoons vinegar

2 cups hot water

Combine in a spray bottle. Shake to mix and dissolve borax. Spray on appliances and wipe off with a soft cloth or sponge.

Make Your Own Cleaning Recipes for the Bathroom

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Disinfectant Spray:

2 Cups Water

1/4 Cup White Vinegar

1/4 tsp. Tea Tree Oil

1/4 tsp. Lavender Oil

Combine and store in a spray bottle. Shake occasionally. Use where ever a disinfectant spray is needed.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Tub and Tile Cleaner:

1 2/3 cups baking soda

1/2 cup liquid soap

2 tablespoons vinegar

1/2 cup water

a few drops of Tea tree essential oil

Mix soda and soap. Add water, then add vinegar and oil. Store in a squirt-top bottle and shake before using. Rinse thoroughly to avoid leaving a residue.

_________________________________________

Combine 1/2 cup baking soda with enough vegetable-oil-based liquid soap to make a frosting-like mixture.

Add 15 drops of Tea tree oil .

Scoop the mixture onto a sponge and scrub the bathtub, sinks, Formica countertops or shower stall. Rinse.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Toilet Bowl Cleaner:

Pour a cup of white vinegar into the toilet and toss in a handful of baking soda to soak about 10 minutes.

Swish with toilet brush.

Mix enough borax and lemon juice into a paste which can cover the entire ring.

Flush toilet to wet the sides, and then rub on paste.

Let sit for 2 hours and scrub thoroughly.

For less stubborn toilet bowl rings, sprinkle baking soda around the rim and scrub with a toilet brush.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Mirror Cleaner:

1-1/2 cups vinegar

1/2 cup water

8 drops citrus essential oil of choice

Combine all ingredients in a spray bottle and shake well before use. Spray solution onto mirror and wipe with a dry cloth or towel.

______________________________________

1/4 cup white vinegar

1 Tablespoon cornstarch

2 cups warm water

Put all ingredients in a large spray bottle. Shake well to dissolve the cornstarch. To use, spray liberally on the mirror, wipe with a clean cloth. Buff to a streak free shine with a wadded up piece of newspaper.

Make Your Own Cleaning Recipes for the Laundry

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Fabric Softener:

2 cups baking soda

2 cups white vinegar

4 cups water.

Mix these ingredients and use 1/4 cup per load in the final rinse.

__________________________________________

1 gallon vinegar

20 drops lavender essential oil

Add the lavender essential oil to the vinegar right in the container and you've got instant fabric softener. Shake well before using. For a large load, add 1 cup during the rinse cycle; use 1/2 cup during the rinse cycle for smaller loads.

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Dryer Sheets:

½ part lavender essential oil

½ part benzoin essential oil (absolute resin)

small dropper bottle

1 scrap of cotton cloth (about 4 inches square)

Make base essential oil by mixing the two oils in equal amounts into a small dropper bottle. Shake well. Label.

______________________________________

Take 10-15 4-inch cloths and put 4-5 drops of essential oil base on each one. Put into an airtight container that you can easily get your hand into to take one out at a time as needed for the dryer.

Use as you would a normal dryer sheet. The airtight container will help hold the scent in the dryer sheets instead of just dissipating out into the room and leaving the dryer sheet less scented. Leave the additional essential oil base that you have left to easily make more are you need them.

15 drops of spearmint

12 drops of lavender

Put this mixture on a clean cloth and then fold the cloth several times.

Wrap another cloth around that and toss into the dryer!

Make Your Own Natural Healthy Laundry Detergent:

1 ounce liquid castile soap

1 cup washing soda

1 cup baking soda

1 cup white vinegar

Fill washer with water and add each ingredient in the order given. Launder as usual.

The Books of the Bible.

2011-10-06T23:27:00.000-04:00

Mike and I are both interested in purchasing this Bible. Check out the video, it's fascinating. Buy it here...

"The Books of the Bible is a revolutionary new presentation of Scripture that strips away centuries of artificial formatting, leaving behind nothing but pure Bible text.

The result is a Bible unlike any other available today — and more like the original Scriptures. The Books of the Bible is specially designed to be read from start to finish."

Biter's Remorse.

2011-10-05T23:53:00.000-04:00

I am sure most of you have heard of buyer's remorse. That sadness you can feel and self-doubt about a purchase you have made. Well, I do believe Peter has biter's remorse.

The past several days he's been trying to attempt to nurse in the morning. His chubby hand reaches for my chest accompanied with this pathetic wailing cry. "No, Peter. No nursie. All done. Here's 'ba-ba'(bottle)."

I'm sure formula is no where as good as the "real deal". But he made a choice. He bit the tar out of me over and over... and now, the poor dear has regret.

M-I-C....

2011-10-04T22:59:00.000-04:00

K-E-Y.... M-O-U-S-E....

We just told the kids the big news. We're going to Disney! To be specific we're doing something even better. We're going to Give Kids the World Village (G.K.T.W.) in Florida. Toby's Dream is sending us as a family in November to G.K.T.W.

We are so excited! I don't think the kids could fully understand or grasp what was being said but I know they know it's going to be good.I had been trying to leave little hints of what was coming. I put this in their bathroom. It's soap... with a twist :)

Remembering 5 years ago...

2011-10-03T07:00:00.001-04:00

Reliving the past is hard not to do.

My body seems to subconsciously remember things. Like Samuel ending up in the ICU at Du Pont. It happened 5 years ago. I remember the fall weather. The sky and light and leaves...

Samuel was not even off of oxygen a month when he had respiratory failure. It happened so fast. I will never forget what it was like to see him "code blue". It was terrifying.

It's hard remembering Samuel intubated and not doing well. He had to be flown from a hospital in Philadelphia to a hospital in Delaware (du Pont).

He was in the ICU over 2 weeks. Doctors thought he would need cardiac surgery and a trache until he was 3... NEITHER of those things happened.

We can never explain what exactly happened to have him stop breathing the way he did... and we can also never explain how miraculously he pulled through and came out of it.

It's been amazing to see how far he has come. He was hospitalized 10 times by his 2nd birthday. He seemed to be making more and more progress over time. We sure didn't anticipate him being diagnosed with cancer a year ago. That was unexpected. But he is fighting just as hard now as he did when he was just 7 months old.

Birthday Celebration.

2011-10-02T07:30:00.000-04:00

We celebrated my Mom's birthday several weeks ago. I made cupcakes with home-made buttercream frosting. Libby helped me decorate them. She in particular made my mom the top cupcake. Isn't it cute?

Excuse me!

2011-10-02T07:00:00.001-04:00

Who here deals with rude people? I do. I meet them all the time. They ram into me at the grocery store or shove past me on the way into the hospital. Driving just adds a whole new level of people being rude. Whether it's tail gating, cutting you off, or nearly running you down in a parking lot there are a lot of explanations for road rage.

One disturbing trend though has been on the rise. I find that men have been extremely unhelpful when I have small children afoot and a lot in my hands. I'm usually pushing a stroller with multiple children in tow.

In particular this happens when I'm going in and out of the hospital parking area or in and out of a store like Starbucks.

The other day this guy did not open the door for me but even allowed the door to slam after him and hit my stroller with Samuel in it. That was irksome.

Why is this happening?

Unfortunately, I'm sure it has to do in part with the women who might have bitten these men's heads off for trying to be polite. Maybe we're listening too much to Destiny's Child, all us women, getting independent... throw your hands up at me.

The attitude: "I can open my own dang door thank you very much."

I confess I'm also guilty of not allowing people to help me. I'm used to doing stuff on my own and having to do it by myself that it's just natural to refuse others offers. Sometimes I'm so busy with the kids I don't even realize someone's offering me help.

I am beginning to understand that when I refuse offers of help I'm not the only one affected...I'm not caring for the person who wants to help. I am stealing their blessing.

It blesses people to help others. It's a way of allowing them to give of themselves. Sometimes it's the only thing they know how to do to be kind. It breaks self-centered focus. It reminds them that there are other people out there besides themselves. It pulls them out of their daydream and back to reality, to whose right there in front of them.

I confess I struggle when I am unable to help due to time or monetary constraints or when someone simply refuses my offer of help. whether assisting with their groceries or opening a door or making them a meal. I am blessed when I give. Give of my time, money, gifts, talents, cooking, etc.

I'm starting to get it now. I want to learn to accept help. Maybe it will take a little more time with their "assistance". Maybe I could "handle it fine myself" but instead I will say, "Yes, thank you very much." And maybe it will bless them to be able to do something for someone else. I don't want to steal their "blessing".

But an added note: If your truly offering to help someone...do what's helpful. Not merely what's convenient.

2011-10-02T01:24:00.001-04:00

Okay, you might be wondering, "What the heck is up with all those posts?" Let me explain.

I had gone through stuff I had written in draft from... some stuff from years ago! I had then clicked "post"... but I thought it would post it to when I had written it... but instead it all got posted as today's date...

So ignore the old pictures or the weird, out of place comments, etc.!!!!

In the news again.

2011-09-29T23:42:00.000-04:00

Hyundai drives $100K donation to CHKD: wavy.com

Samuel was in the news again. He and I went to CHKD today as Hyundai (Hope on Wheels) presented CHKD with a check for $100,000 towards pediatric cancer. You can see Samuel throughout the clip, when the check is being presented and he's the last one at the end with his handprint. You can catch his hand (with the spiderman watch).

Thank you Hyundai!

Being A Romantic.

2011-09-28T08:00:00.002-04:00

By Romantic, I am not referring to romantic love or wooing someone. I'm not talking about scented candles or red roses or boxes of chocolates. I am referring to being fanciful, impractical, and unrealistic. As in having romantic ideas. Another definition looks at is as being imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc.

Being a romantic can be a wonderful thing. You enjoy movies and books in an intense way... you often find yourself personally relating to the characters. You can have creative ideas and ways of expressing yourself and your emotions. That's nice. (said in "Shirley voice" from Community)

But the downfall is this... when your idea of how life should be doesn't measure up to reality. When you create unrealistic expectations, goals, to do lists, etc. When you think every event, holiday, moment should live up to the "ideal".

Now those of you who know me personally aren't startled by this... one friend was surprised recently at my just discovering this about myself now.

I'm the kind of person who has these ideas of how life should be. I love traditions. I love doing everything to the fullest. And I tend to freak out if it doesn't happen the way I think "it should go!!!!"

E.G. I wanted to go strawberry picking this spring as a family. It didn't happen this year. Thankfully I'm much better than I used to be. I was able to shrug it off. But this is my vision:
The kids all dressed in color coordinated outfits with cute little baskets in hand and me snapping shots of them, drinking in the sunshine, and strawberry juice staining their lips and cheeks. After a time of picking strawberries we would then go on a family picnic and then later end the day with home-made strawberry shortcake.

Doesn't that sound lovely? Yeah, but not realistic. It would probably have ended up being more like squished strawberries on everyones shoes and kids throwing dirt at each other. Kids getting hot, tired, cranky. Mike trying hard to please me and I'm frustrated because someone needs to go potty and there's nowhere to go. And the strawberries are crushed because they put too many in their container. And someone whining about being tired or when are we going to go home or how they're thirsty. And we'd come home and I'd find that most of the strawberries are not even ripe and a lot of them are green.

Okay, maybe not that dramatic. But I'm trying to create a vivid picture.

Sometimes I'm more in love with the idea of something than the thing itself.

It's the idea of creating Christmas memories. Getting the tree. Adding decorations. The fragrant pine branches. The excitement of hot cocoa and ornaments. And come what may it WILL be cute, beautiful, precious, meaningful. Thank God for pictures. They don't require sound. You can't hear the noise and chaos. The whining. The elbowing. The rest of the house in disarray. It's this illusion of peace, beauty, and perfection that I want to create. That's dangerous. Illusions are very dangerous things.

I can love order more than I can love a moment to teach my children in the midst of a "painted room".

I can get angry with my kids if they don't "perform" how I want them to.

I have been a director as long as I can remember. Ask my cousin Sharon. She can tell you. I would direct her and her siblings (my other cousins) and my sister and brother and I would dress them up and tell them what to do and how to play their part of a skit or a play that of course I had created.

I can do the same with my family now. I don't even realize I'm doing it. I just simply tell them what to do, where to stand, what to wear, how to act. "Here, play this role. You are the happy child who is loving this holiday event or this special occasion and your heart is brimming with gratitude and love and affection for your family and especially your siblings."

This idealism has played out more than just in wanting specific moments or memories... but even in wanting my family a certain way. I used to really want to have another girl. I wanted Libby to have a sister. I loved having a sister. It was important and meaningful to me that Libby (my daughter) would understand what a sister was and how significant that relationship was. I think I wanted her to somehow understand what I lost when my sister, Libby, died. I wanted her to "get it."

Oh how sad.

I think I would have been in a horrible position of making Libby have to always get along with her sister (if she had one). I would have rubbed in her face, "At least you have a sister." Yuck, how awful!

She was not meant to live my life. I'm not going to force my child to appreciate something she has... or for me to resent her for having what I've lost.

I've been blessed instead to have ONE girl... and four boys. It's different than I would have thought I wanted. Thankfully God didn't give me what I wanted. He gave me what I needed. He knew I would need Samuel, Ian, Michael & Peter. AND in addition he blessed me with my niece, Madison. A beautiful little girl I love with all my heart who I have the pleasure of buying clothes and shoes for her. Whose nails I get to paint. Whose girlie noises I love.

Libby is more than enough girl for me! I love her. She's emotional and dramatic and expressive and thoughtful. She likes order and she likes pleasing people. She is a "mini-me".

The romantic in me... would covet her having a sister. I covet other people who have sisters. But I'm learning more and more to be thankful that I did have a sister. I don't get to talk or see her now but I will someday in Heaven. One day this will pass. And in the meantime I've been very blessed with very dear friends. Friends who in many ways are like sisters to me.

So that was a very lengthy ramble. All of it say... I'm glad I am learning about myself... that I have romantic tendencies that I need to fight... or at least invite reality in... and other's perspectives.

Life isn't perfect. It won't be again until the New Heavens and the New Earth... until I'm with Jesus face to face. My family isn't perfect. My traditions, memories, holidays, moments, events are not going to be ideal. And it's more than okay. It's good. It points me back to my need for a Saviour. And I can savor the good that does happen. I can enjoy time with my family without having to "direct" and "create" an illusion. I can love it for the imperfections instead of merely "in spite of" them.

Let me leave you with this. Libby and I were spending time together on Friday. It was fun. Or at least I thought it was fun. We were getting to do things together. She was starting to get whiney and ungrateful. I was getting annoyed by that. She and I got caught in the pouring rain. I mean torrential downpour. I had an umbrella and she had a rain poncho but we both ended up soaked. It looked as if people poured buckets of water on us. It was hysterical. We were so wet and soaked. We walked into IHOP (her favorite place) and the hostess told us we looked like ducks. She and I both started giggling. It turned into full blown laughter by the time we were seated.

The whole day turned around unexpectedly by an unplanned downpour. Instead of thinking about how cold, wet and shivering I was... not to mention the mess I looked like... I was able to be thankful that something so unexpected could turn into a blessing. We created a fun memory. It wasn't ideal... but it was life lived with my precious girl and I can enjoy and savor the gift from God she is.

Swiper, No Swiping!

2011-09-27T17:26:00.001-04:00

How many of you have seen Dora the Explorer? If you have then you are familiar with a little fox on the show. His name is Swiper and he has a habit of swiping. So Dora often will tell you to say with her, "Swiper, No Swiping!"

Can we say the same to Peter. He loves to swipe. By that I mean he loves to rake his nails across your face... particularly eyes and nose are a favorite. He just swiped my nose so hard it's been bleeding for the past 10 minutes. The thing is his nails are trimmed. He just really knows how to get you!

We finished nursing for the last time today... because not only does he swipe but he bites. "Biter, no Biting!" All done with that!

Don't let that upside down passy make you think he's innocent!

Support Groups.

2011-09-27T06:48:00.001-04:00

How many of you are in a support group or maybe even a special interest group? You can go to meetings or find support online. I am in a few. But I qualify for many... Part of me fears being thought of as Marla Singer in Fight Club* finding me randomly showing up to support groups that I don't qualify for. The sad thing is I qualify for all of these... Guess I'm a girl who needs support.

Groups I'm in:
-Weight Watchers.(Love developing my healthy lifestyle and the accountability)
-Moms Helping Moms (a support group for moms who have children with cancer)
-PTA
-CareGroup/Small Group at church
-SKIBS (you know who you are.)

Other Groups I "qualify" for:

M.O.P.s Mothers of Pre-schoolers. (got those)

M.O.M.s Mothers of Multiples. (have twins)

Grief Share. (went once, would consider being a part of again).

Support Group for those with children with Cerebral Palsy.(would like to explore in the future)

AL-Anon (for Friends and families of problem drinkers AKA: Alcoholics)

Special Needs support group (through CHKD)

Craft Club. Someday... when things aren't so crazy!

Anyway, you get the picture. I could go on and on. My husband and I are deciding to start to go back to a small group at church. And we just found one that's only 25 minutes away... (hey for us that's close).

Sometimes I wish I could do more. There is so much good out there. Learning to say no graciously is an acquired skill. I'm trying... to be honest and to be smart. This girl has to have boundaries!

*Note that i am not advocating reading or watching Fight Club. Never seen or read. Am not endorsing. Don't get me in trouble with your parents if you're under 18 reading this!

Movie Time.

2011-09-26T19:33:00.000-04:00

On a whim today we picked up Libby from school (instead of her riding the bus) and Mike, Samuel, Libby and I went to cinema cafe (where we had free passes) and saw Spy Kids: All The Time in the World. Kristin watched Peter and the twins for us. (Thank you Kristin).

It was fun to get to do something so spontaneous. And it was a good movie too.

One thing I appreciated about the movie was the importance of spending time together, in particular, as a family. It showed different ways that people view time. The Dad played by Joel McHale (Jeff Winger in the community) thought that if he worked his 5 year plan he would then get to enjoy time with his kids. He was later encouraged that he didn't know how much time he would have. He was told that all he could know he would have in the future was regret. That his kids would be grown up by the time had time to spend with them.

One character believed that if he could go back in time he would be able to change things and be able to change the time he had with his Dad. He realized though that time kept going on and that ultimately he couldn't stop it.

The kids also came to have a new appreciation of their stepmom who truly did care about them. And siblings also learned how to be kind each other and respect each other.

I enjoyed it. Libby even shed a few tears at the end. Samuel seemed to watch the whole movie for the most part. Although at times he did swivel in his chair a lot and kept bouncing from seat to seat.

Although I don't see myself as a supermom I felt like I could compete with the way The Spy Mom she juggled a bottle and a baby carrier while fighting crime :) Okay, not really. And I don't go around wearing leather suits either. But I do enjoy my kids and am thankful for them.

Overall, a success. And a lot of fun.

A Party for Samuel.

2011-09-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

Samuel's test begin next week. But we're already planning a party. Hope you can come!

An Aunt By Any Other Name...

2011-09-25T05:30:00.001-04:00

Kristin gets called many things. There are the normal names... like Kristin, or Aunt Kristin.

But there are also some unusual names too... like Uncle Ker-Fer-Fer. (Christopher) or Aunt Ker-Ker.

But there is one thing that is NOT in doubt. She is well loved by all. They all love to be with their Auntie. They love hanging out in her home (The Loft). Ian begs daily to go and see her and baby Madison. "I go see Kristin. I go see her. I see her and baby Madison..."

We Love you KRISTIN!!!

Snuggles: Michael and Auntie Kristin.

the ramblings of the sleep deprived.

2011-09-24T01:04:00.000-04:00

"Whose not getting any sleep? It's me. It's me." Said with SNL perfect cheer skit inflection.

What is the deal. I'm utterly exhausted. My body hurts physically. Pulled some weird neck/shoulder muscle... but my head is spinning and my mind is reeling.

Just when I think I get this "grace" thing I get hit with something and bam, whiplash occurs.

Nothing big. Just me. Not having it together and falling apart... and being what I accused my daughter of being today... DRAMATIC. Hey, it takes a drama mama to make one, right?

I've had a great day. I got to run errands and it was uber productive and I spent the day with Libby. It was a mixture of business and pleasure. We did get many errands accomplished but also were able to have lunch together and we had fun talking and just being in each other's company.

So good day, right? But, I feel low. Aha. Good day. Productive Day... doesn't always equal good feelings. Weird, huh. But I guess it makes sense. Sometimes I can be having a crappy day but I'm at perfect peace and it doesn't phase me. My outward circumstances are not always a reflection of my inner self. My heart and mind don't always match up with the rest of me. And I know this will pass.

I ate too much candy tonight. Why? Sometimes I LIKE to make myself feel BAD. That's silly right? Actually, it's stupid. (there I said the bad "s" word, don't tell Libby!) BUT the truth is I can't seem to let myself just be okay and doing well. It's like I need to feel bad. So I eat too much sugar and I feel crappy. I'll let myself feel sorry for myself. I sabotage my hard work.

I can eat right all day and then suddenly find myself sabotaging myself. I feel like "Well, I deprived myself so I've earned this." Okay, I'm not depriving myself... the issue is I find instant gratification and comfort in food. The truth is though... sometimes it's a torment. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat again. I wish I didn't have to think through and ask myself, "Is this healthy? Will this restore my body? Will this provide good fuel so I can think and function well? Is this enough fiber and protein? Is it whole grain? Fruit? Vegetable? Lean Protein? Will this help me lose weight or at least create a healthier me?" on and on. And then I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will never be able to lose the weight I want to lose. I'm afraid I won't be able to ever make another pound drop off my body.

My body is going through major changes. I'm weaning Peter. he bites really hard, frequently, during nursing lately. And it hurts like hades. Enough said. So stopping nursing means no "extra calories" to consume. But I haven't caught up with that. I haven't adjusted to being able to take in fewer calories. And my hormones are CrAzY.

On and on. I could create a list of excuses or just offer my explanation of the busyness of my life. The intensity. The overwhelming nature of just surviving day to day. But I want to more than survive. I want to thrive.

But here is the thing. God would NOT love me any LESS if stopped losing weight. Nor would he love me more if I dropped 50 pounds. God is pleased with me because I'm in Jesus.

I want to be healthier. I want to lose weight. I want to take care of what God has given me and one of the things that He has provided for me and that I am responsible for is my body. So, I'm asking God for help. Help to change. Help to hold fast to Him and cling to Him when I'm anxious. To tell myself that my life is so tough that I need to eat too much chocolate is not going to help anyone. I want to enjoy food and savor it. But I don't want to be controlled by it.

Maybe some of you can relate to what I'm saying. Maybe you can't. Maybe food doesn't have a stronghold on you. If not, that's great. But if not food, then what... Do you find yourself running to something for comfort other than God? Looking for satisfaction or contentment in something or someone else is an empty quest. It will only leave you dry and longing for your thirst to be quenched... it is a mirage in the desert. Other things or other people (outside of the person of Jesus Christ) will never satisfy you.

I want to be like the psalmist who is describing his longing for God as a deer panting for a stream of water. Christ promises that He has living water. He is the living water.

John 4:13-14

Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

So, I stumble on. My eyes are droopy. I think I can sleep now. I rest in the comfort that His love for me is unchanged. And I ask for Him to help me change. To help me repent of my ways and to trust Him... that He really is more than enough for me.

Being the aroma of Christ.

2011-09-24T00:30:00.000-04:00

After the hurricane we have been experiencing very putrid smells as we pass the swamp on a daily basis. Really foul and rank. But recently... and maybe it's my olfactory playing tricks on me... but I have been smelling an almost crushed mint smell. Which is lovely.

I love the smell of crushed herbs. In fact I love keeping fresh herbs and other plants that when you touch or crush them they release fragrance. I love the smell they release in the air and in my hand. Lemon Verbena is another favorite. And I adore real French Lavender.

I was thinking though that if you look at these plants they're okay to look at, not extraordinary. They even emit a little bit of odor on their own... but it's truly when they're crushed that full, pungent fragrance is released.

I'm realizing that I'm a lot like these herbs. For my full fragrance to be released there is some crushing involved.

Christ Himself was crushed...

Isaiah 55: 1-6
1"Who has believed what he has heard from us? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
2 For he grew up before him like a young plant,and like a root out of dry ground; he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,and no beauty that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by men;a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken,smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities;upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray;we have turned—every one—to his own way;and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth."

And it's only because of Him that I can imitate Him. His Spirit lives in me.

2 Corinthians 2:14-16 "14 But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. 15 For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, 16 to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life..." (emphasis mine)

May we be the fragrance of Christ now and always.

Approval Addiction.

2011-09-23T05:00:00.003-04:00

Call it what you will, "Fear of Man", "Man Pleasing", being afraid of what others think... I have a problem. I'm addicted to approval.

It's as if I posted myself on Facebook. And I just am waiting for anyone and everyone to hit the like button. Please LIKE me!!!

I don't like being misunderstood. I want to explain. My life. My situation. My circumstances. The reason I'm so tired. My appearance. Whatever. And okay, not really most people can understand. They're not in my shoes. But if you can't understand then at least acknowledge or sympathize or something.

I want you to think I'm a good woman/wife/mom/Christian/writer/friend/sister/aunt/niece/daughter/granddaughter... You get the picture.

I'm trying to give it up. I'm not good. In and of myself I'm downright awful (evil). That's the bad news.

The good news is this. Jesus Christ came and died for sinners. He was God made flesh born of a virgin. He lived a perfect life... not merely free of sin... but perfect in obedience as well. He died on the cross. Was buried. And three days later Rose from the Dead. He ascended into Heaven. And now I await His glorious return.

What does that mean for me? It means If I believe in Christ, that He is who He says He is... that He will save me from my sins and that I am given His righteousness. I am hidden in Him. And when God the Father looks at me He sees Christ's blood... I appear blameless, sinless, and pure because I am hidden in Christ.

What amazing, mind-blowing news. I want it to penetrate every part of me. I want it to affect how I think, what I think about, how I act, what I want, what I love, what I hate, how I live, and what I care about.

I want to be more aware of God's approval of me (because I'm in Christ) than the fact that others may or may not approve of me. Jesus Christ ALWAYS did the will of His Father. I have that... because my faith is in Him. It's not me! But I get credit for it!!!

Wow. So who cares what "man" thinks of me. Who cares about the "approval of others". I have God's approval.

Pretty amazing.

But, I'm still messing up... still living in my flesh. I'm not dead yet... So there is still this struggle.

I don't want to care what others think. And hopefully over time... as I change and grow and mature it will become less and less an issue.

For now, I'm thankful that I have the only approval that will ever matter. God the Father is pleased with me because I am in Christ...and Christ pleases the Father. Sigh. I just want to rest in that hammock of grace. The Gospel is LIFE Changing!!!

The "Other Guys"...

2011-09-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

While Michael, Ian, Rebecca, Kristin and I cleaned there was another pair of people. And although they are "innocents" now... We know it won't be too long when this pair will become mischievous toddlers.... they will be "cousins in crime".

For now, let's enjoy the cuteness of Madison and Peter!

What's going on?

Hi YOU!!!

Peter just gave Madison a slobbery kiss on the head.

Another Kiss... or maybe I will just grab her cheek or hair

Hanging out together.

We're too blessed for this mess!

My "Impressionists"

2011-09-22T00:44:00.000-04:00

I was so proud of myself today. I was working hard...getting ahead...organizing, cleaning, clearing, eliminating, etc. Unbeknownst to me, all during the boys naptime, they were hard at work as well.

They managed to break into my craft area (which is usually locked but wasn't because items were being brought from downstairs to upstairs). And got into fabric paint. It went everywhere... walls, carpet, rugs, train set, bed, sheets, clothes, and of course the TV. I was not a happy camper to say the least.

Surprisingly Michael has been the instigator as of late.

Extreme TV Make-Over

Even the Rug Needs Some Love

A new look for the train set

Be sure to paint the poptart while we're at it!

(Don't even know where the poptart came from...)

Don't forget the wall embellishments. I guess they were adding to the rocket and were inspired by the "outer space" decals in the room.

The Artists.

Lest I forget... they also decided to empty dressers of drawers.

As far as impressionism goes... I'd rather leave it up to Monet and not have such "personal art" all about the house.

Origins.

2011-09-15T06:00:00.001-04:00

Samuel: "I know where I came from."
Me: "You do?"
Samuel: "Papa bought me in a box at the store."

Who do you Worship?

2011-09-13T02:00:00.000-04:00

My husband recently wrote a post on his blog(super powers) and in this post he discusses the gods we worship. Specifically he was talking about things such as a.c. and how we desperately love comfort. Comfortable temperature.

The same could be said about comfortable furniture or the kind of coffee we like to drink. Hot showers. Warm bed. Clean sheets. Filtered water. Food of choice. Etc.

I was realizing in addition to worshipping comfort that there were other "gods" that we as Americans, and me, in particular struggle with. The "god of productivity" and the "god of efficiency". How often do I find myself measuring my worth by what I have or have not accomplished. By what is complete on my to-do list or the balance there of.

And efficiency.... God forbid I leave a coupon at home. Or make a mistake. Gasp. It's the end of the world. I could have saved two steps if I had done such and such. I wasted a stamp when I could have dropped it off. Or if I don't reuse or recycle something I'm pretty sure it means that I will die... ha.

I'm not advocating wastefulness or poor stewardship... I'm just trying to factor in the fact that we're human and we are NOT perfect!

I realize that I am quick to bow down to efficiency and productivity. I like to do as much as I can in as little time producing the best results and value possible.

But what if I were to wait on the Lord and ask Him what He wants from my day. Maybe He doesn't want me to do that to do list. Maybe He wants me to sit and savor what life has for me that day. Maybe He's more concerned with me loving my kids than scrubbing the toilets or dishes or fish tank.

It's interesting that He never asks me to do more in a day than what can be done in a day. When there is more to be done than can be done that comes from myself or others but not from God.

And I am loved whether I read in bed that day or served 500 orphans. Wow. It's hard to believe that my being loved isn't based on what I have done.

Trying to rest in that love today. Can't sleep. Wide awake. Another exhausting day behind me and probably another one ahead. But I choose to worship God and be enamored with His glory today... not in what I have done or will do, not in my accomplishments or the lack thereof but in Him.

Misjudging appearances.

2011-09-04T07:00:00.085-04:00

Matthew 7:1-5 1 "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Have you ever misjudged anyone? I have. I used to think this one girl was cold and aloof- to put it in one word- snob. In reality, she was shy and a little uneasy around big groups of people. She is now a dear friend of mine. Another friend (before we were friends) had thought that I didn't like her and I thought she didn't like me... So much misunderstanding and misjudging.

I have a very lovely friend whose nails look like she gets them done all the time. In fact, they're dollar tree glue ons. But she has to tell people they're not the "real fakes" because others think she's spending the big bucks on her nails every week.

My Mom's Mom (my grandmother) looks like a "rich old lady". She's always covered with bling. Lovely rings and earrings and necklaces. She always paints her nails, dresses well and looks like a LADY! She's really beautiful. BUT almost everything she has comes from Wal-Mart. She's not rich. Not in material possessions anyway. She's rich in Christ.

I struggle with being concerned about what other people think. It's so easy to see what we see and think we know and understand. We don't know what people's situation and circumstances are and what is in their hearts.

I want to stop throwing stones. I don't like them thrown at me. I want to assume the best of others and be thought of generously.

But why are we judging?
We have been trained in this culture to judge. Isn't that why people like reality TV so much? Quick give us somebody dysfunctional so we can judge them and feel better about ourselves.

In this culture I feel watched and perpetually judged. I feel the need to explain "my situation" to others. This works in two ways... I feel people think too "highly" of me or I feel they misunderstand me.

Some people have told me that I seem to have it together or at least be holding it together. I quickly respond, "Appearances are deceiving."

And they are.

I don't like the pressure of that image. For one, it's not true. But more acutely, I want to be allowed to fall apart without losing sympathy and social credit.

When Mike and I go to the Cheesecake Factory and we run into people we know, do we really need to tell them that we have a gift card? Why is there this need to have to explain where nice stuff comes from? Do I have tell them that most of my clothes, shoes and almost all of my children's clothes comes from the thrift store? Oh no, what will they think if they see me with a Starbucks in hand?

I don't like this feeling. I want to walk in freedom and stop caring what others think. God knows. He knows what's in my heart. He knows if my actions or thoughts are right or wrong. I'm accountable to Him and Him alone.

When I walk in this freedom I have the comfort of knowing I have friends and family who will let me know when I'm out of line or falling off the rails. I want to love others well by being this kind of friend, who believes the best, and not misjudge them.

Reality is... people aren't held accountable to me. They're responsible to God. So whether their nails are "real fakes", or "fake fakes"... whether the jewelry came from Tiffany's or Dollar General... whether they were given a car or just bought a beautiful SUV we should withhold criticism.

Let's love one another and accept people in the same way Christ has done to us.

2011-09-03T14:49:00.000-04:00

I just saw an article I wrote for Ungrind was posted. It's called "Leaving Virginia". You can read it here.

Battling.

2011-09-03T13:47:00.000-04:00

I haven't been writing lately. I think I was kind of hoping that someone would ask if I died or something. But no. I guess I'll write anyway. I've been really tired and weary. I don't think I've had writers block as much as I don't want to share what's on my mind. It feels too controversial. Too honest. Too open. The "f" word has even popped into my head when I think about what I want to write about. See what I mean.

I want to be careful that my writing is in line with Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."(emphasis mine)

My thoughts and my life hasn't lined up with that lately. It's been more of a struggle. I can't really explain why. I remember being told at my Mom's Helping Mom's support group (for those who have kids with cancer) that the end of treatment is just as hard as the beginning of treatment.

There's a sweet safety net that comes with being at the Clinic. I feel normal and hopeful when I go to the Hematology/Oncology Clinic. It's like I know what to expect and it makes me feel safe. It's there we "fight" the cancer. It's there that other Moms and Dad's sit with their baldheaded kids. It's there we all look normal.

And pretty soon (God-willing) in a month or so we will be done with chemo. We will have tests done. CT scans, MRI, bone scan, etc. and if all looks good his CVL will be surgically removed. And then we will return at regularly scheduled times to keep checking and evaluating. Making sure that there is no return of the tumor. No metastasizing.

And if I were to be honest with myself and honest with you... I'm depressed. When you see me you will most likely see a smile on my face. It's not fake. But at the same time I'm crying on the inside. I'm hurting in a way I can't explain. I'm tempted to be very afraid. Afraid of the return of cancer. Afraid of what would happen then. Afraid of the late effects of chemo and radiation. Afraid that my life will never be "normal". Afraid of the other shoe dropping.

I find myself constantly TRYING to surrender these fears to God. Some moments are more successful than others. I have a gratitude journal that I've been writing in and when I continue to recount the good things, the blessings, the things I'm thankful for and I appreciate I find my heart falls more in line with trusting God and being at peace. If He's been faithful before... He will be again.

When I fix my eyes on God. When I don't compare my mothering, my life & circumstances, my cooking, or homemaking with others I'm in a good place. When I compare, criticize, and condemn myself I am led off track. It doesn't help. It hinders. God has placed me where I am with the gifts I have and the struggles and circumstances that are for me. It's not a mistake. It's not a mistake that I'm the parent of Libby, Samuel, Ian, Michael, & Peter. It's part of God's plan.

So, Yep, I'm preaching at myself right now.

And even on these days that feel so dark I am reminded that I'm not alone. God walks with me. He has promised to never leave or forsake me.

So I press on. I move forward. Sometimes it's a purposeful stride. Sometimes it's merely stumbling on... but I keep going. Resting in the love of my Savior who will sustain me and enable me to persevere when I so desperately want to give up.

2011-09-01T00:01:00.002-04:00

So I have been told...

Bye Bye Iron.

2011-08-13T23:26:00.000-04:00

My iron of 8 years has died.

Does anyone have an iron they truly love? What are good brands? I'd like to get one that works really well. Hoping I will be more motivated to iron if I have a great tool :)

Broken Hearted.

2011-08-11T01:04:00.000-04:00

It's close to one a.m. I should be sleeping. but I'm not. My heart is heavy. My mind is full. Thinking about the suffering of so many. People dealing with loss. Barrenness. Still birth. Miscarriage. A new diagnosis. A lost job. Lay-offs. Bad economy. Struggles. Doubts. Questions. Family member dying. Unplanned pregnancy. Divorce.

I'm glad God is big enough. He can handle this. All of it. I'm thankful that He sees the big picture because right now. I see a lot of mess and pain and heartache. I know nothing is wasted. Nothing is overlooked or left out. But I don't see it. I'm believing in His Word and am thankful that He says in Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

A friend recently encouraged me with this passage.

Psalm 34:15-18

15 The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

I was also recently reflecting on Psalm 147:1-6

1 Praise the LORD!For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant,[a] and a song of praise is fitting.
2The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
3He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure.
6The LORD lifts up the humble;[b]
he casts the wicked to the ground.

Wow. So God is in the business of binding up wounds and healing broken hearts. Thank God. I turn over all the sorrows I know of to Him. And rest in the fact that He is big enough to handle it. And that He cares infinitely more than I do.

Jesus, Heal these broken hearts. Be close to the crushed spirits I know. Bind up their wounds. Thank you that you know intimately the needs and struggles of your people. I commit them to you. Help me to love those who are suffering and to care for those in need. Thank you that you are faithful and you keep your promises. In your Name, Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Sacred in the Ordinary.

2011-08-02T18:46:00.000-04:00

Sacred:
-dedicated or set apart for the service or worship of a deity
- worthy of religious veneration : holy
-entitled to reverence and respect

Sacrament: a : a Christian rite (as baptism or the Eucharist) that is believed to have been ordained by Christ and that is held to be a means of divine grace or to be a sign or symbol of a spiritual reality

She looked up at me, her eyes full of compassion and feeling. Her hands full of pastries. "Which one do you want?" Would it be wrong to say all of them, I thought. Yeah, I'm desperate. She passed me a delicious scone. The smell of the frosting close to divine. Mmmm.

I glanced over to see my son in the hospital bed. His hair gone. His face pale. He looked drowsy. The cartoon of choice was on but the sound low.

I sat with my friend and talked. I might have cried. I don't remember. What I do remember was the endearing feelings I have when I think of this friend... being with me and sharing in my suffering. I knew I could be completely myself and real and open. It was a partaking in the sacraments. Instead of bread... I had a scone... Instead of wine... I had coffee. This moment of "breaking bread" and fellowshipping.. was a sweet communion of a strange sort.

Not typical. Not in church. Not traditional. Not true "sacraments". But the presence of God was there... and that changed everything.

The comfort of a friend on a lonely night. Me and my swollen womb (containing my 5th child) and my second born lying on a hospital bed...who was slowly breaking my heart.

The presence of Christ can be felt when I encounter this friend. And it transforms me and changes me and makes me aware of His deep, sweet love for me. Sometimes love that comes from a willingness to bring Panera Bread on a dark and stormy night. And I am reminded...

I am not alone.

Choosing Life.

2011-07-31T15:49:00.000-04:00

(I like this picture... but are they pills? I'm not talking about pills here)

To Life or Not to Life that is the question....

I'd rather not right now.

What?!

I know. I'm tired. But i'm kind of over it. I just want to push a pause button on life and sleep for a week and then press play.... well, maybe after I get to do something fun and relaxing after sleeping... Hmmm... okay, I will go for the week thing.

Yeah, that's where I'm at. I really don't want to choose life right now. It's stressful, chaotic, overwhelming and noisy.

Ian was throwing up two days ago. Low grade fever and rash on cheeks and arms. He went to the doctors yesterday and we found out he has strep throat. Now we have had to keep him apart from the other kids, in particular Samuel, who is of course neutropenic (very susceptible to infection). Yippee skippee.

Mike and I both feel weary and crappy and don't really want to do anything except sleep... and well, that just doesn't happen around here. Too many needs. Too many, "I'm hungry.... I'm thirsty... I need my diaper changed... He __________ me... (fill in with: hit, pushed, bit, kicked, tripped, sat on, squished)"

Unfortunately on the weary days you can't just say, "Okay, I'm going on vacation now... or I would like a sick day... or I quit". You still are a parent. And it's not something I'm going to walk away from even when I really want to. I love my kids. I know that they are precious gifts from the Lord. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I'm weary to the bone and just want to throw in the towel.

Adventures of this week have included a laundry room makeover (detergent EVERYWHERE!!!), a perfumed child (my favorite perfume is almost completely used up), countertop spray all of over a little person, the floor, and the counter, "fountains inside the house".... pools of random water found in random places, my nail polish being broken into, my make-up broken into... and my "spa" stuff that was new and in packaging, opened and emptied. Oh and my personal favorite, the twins managed to get on top of the counter, into the scissors and into a bag of Starburst jelly beans in which they consume almost a half of a huge bag in about 5 minutes.

Oh and Mike's car is not working...

... and did I mention that most of my clothes (which I don't have much of) has been shrunk in the dryer.

I'm working my rear off (literally and figuratively) to lose weight. Most of my clothes have been given away... they are too big... and then the clothes that did fit got shrunk... it's pretty depressing. I know that I have so much compared to the world... I shouldn't whine.. I'm just frustrated.

It's raining and gray outside.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Trying to hang in there...

A couple days ago I wrote in my Gratefulness journal for over an hour of all the things I'm thankful for.... of ways that the Lord has provided... of His gracious love and care for me... I should probably go re-read that journal... so I can take my eyes off myself and on what He's done. Instead of focusing on what's wrong thinking about what is right in my life. My kids are alive. I have a place to live. I have a great husband.I have clean water in my cup. I have some fuel in my car. I have food in my pantry. I have friends and family who somehow love me (It's shocking I know). And I have a Savior who loves me even when I'm whiney, tired and overwhelmed. I'm a rich woman.

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.

My mini accomplishments.

2011-07-20T10:47:00.000-04:00

Wow. Just finished exercising. That may sound like a normal everyday accomplishment but if you ever have had to settle a dispute between 2 three year olds while holding the plank pose than you know what my workouts tend to be like. I had a car pelted at me. And then the child who threw it lied about it... Exciting.

I was told I looked like a puppy at one point... well it was the "cat stretch" and I was told I was a fish when I was doing my flutter kicks on the floor.

I was pestered with "Is it over?" about ten times every couple minutes.

When I finished I was rewarded with, "You're done...Good job, Mom!" I felt so encouraged and then was asked, "Can I have some fruit snacks?" I laughed. Yes. Fruit snacks. Priorities, people. Priorities.

What was lost...

2011-07-14T06:00:00.003-04:00

My children have this propensity to play with weird items. Everyday common items... like my ribbons for crafting. They like the plastic wrapper on any given product. Or my bottles for my breast pump. They also play hide and seek with items... Like cell phones or stuffed animals. I find sippy cups in dresser drawers and socks in cabinets. I also lose items because they have hidden them so well... like car keys or those bottles I was talking about earlier.

I have the habit of rinsing all the parts of the pump in the bathroom sink and then placing them on the counter to dry. Ian got a hold of them. After months and months of searching I found them. In a very random place. My vase with cherry blossoms that is on a side table in my bathroom. I had no idea. The vase is black and long and unless you intentionally look inside you would never think to find anything in there...

You win Ian. That took me several months to find. Way to go buddy.
The Little Instigator

Thursdays THINGS I LIKE #5

2011-07-14T05:54:00.000-04:00

This amazing hair serum was recommended to me a long time ago... maybe even a year ago... And it lasts forever. Paul Mitchell's Smoothing Super Skinny Serum is amazing. It's great before or after flat-ironing. It gives shine and makes the fly-aways "straighten up" or should I say down. I am a huge fan. Actually this is the only hair product I use besides shampoo and conditioner. No mousse, no gel, no leave-in conditioner, nothing exciting... Wet or dry... this is my go to friend.

Michael's Day.

2011-07-13T06:00:00.000-04:00

Michael was chosen as a citizen of the month in May at school. He was so cute. When he was announced by the principal it took him a while to realize he was supposed to go up and when he finally did he raised his arms over his head and asked Mr. Rubin, the principal, to hold him.

The Clean Machine.

2011-07-12T06:00:00.000-04:00

Michael loves the vacuum cleaner, my Shark Sweeper, the broom and clorox wipes. He likes to clean and he especially likes cords... vacuum cords, cell phone cords, battery charging cords... He will wrap them up all nice and neat and then let it loose again and then wrap it again making perfect loops.

One of Michael's favorite chores is helping unload the dishwasher. The difficulty is when he tries to unload them when they're dirty and still need to be washed. One of the fun things we do is practice words while unloading. "spoon" "fork" "cup" "plate"... trying to avoid "knife" :)

Little Cute Things.

2011-07-11T22:16:00.000-04:00

Kristin & Madison.

What I love about these pictures is that they're taken in a kid's size chair. But it looks like they're so much bigger due to the perspective.

THURSDAYS THINGS I LIKE #4

2011-07-08T13:41:00.005-04:00

MMMMMMMM....I like Chick-fil-a... A LOT!!! Today is cow appreciation day. If you dress like a cow (from head to foot) you get a free meal... if you dress and have a little cow bling or half hearted something (partial costume) about loving you some chikin they will give you a free entree. It's so worth it. Go here for more info.

Took the kids for breakfast... Delish.

Then went to a different store for lunch... but saving the meals for dinner. I have a caesar wrap for dinner :) Kids have nuggets and fruit cups. Yeah!

So fun. And they made the cutest cow... silly me forgot to take any pictures... again (3rd year in a row... still forgetting to take pics)... but the manager at the first store took a pic and will put it on facebook. so there you go... eventually I will show you how cute they were.

P.S. I know today is Friday but cut me some slack :)

Don't See Me...

2011-07-05T11:33:00.003-04:00

Something I'm discovering about myself is that I want others to think I'm perfect. Okay, maybe not perfect but without flaws. Not physical flaws.. those I can't conceal.. but I guess me as a person. I don't want others to not like me. Bad wording...I don't want to be disliked.

I'm afraid that if people saw the real me, they would be like, "Aha. I knew there was something I didn't like about you." It's that fear of not being accepted with my flaws that makes me try and hide. concealer. Where is the concealer? Or truthfully it's more like I want white out (correction fluid).. I want to wipe myself out completely. Maybe if I'm not seen I won't be corrected, criticized, or judged.

Where is the freedom in that kind of living?

My brother-in-law, David, asked me a question that provoked me deeply. I still meditate on it. He asked me, "Jennifer, what did Jesus say He came to do?" Not what others thought He would do... or we interpret of Him but what did He say about Himself...

I came that they may Have Life & Life ABUNDANTLY!!!! (John 10:10)

I love how The Message puts it: "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."

This abundant and better and real life doesn't sound like a person who should be hiding, masking, and concealing. That fear I have of people criticizing me, or just not "getting me" (understanding me), leaves me crippled. I'm so afraid of being told I'm wrong that I forget to live.

I want to trust and walk by the Spirit. Let Him lead and guide me and show me and direct me. Let Him help me with tough decisions of what's best for my family. Show me what I should eat and not eat and what I should do with my days and how I should dress and how I should spend and save and give... and who I should love, and what I should want and need.

I want to cast off these shackles of mine. I want to embrace the fact that I am wrong at times, I make mistakes, and I sin. I am not a perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend or any other role I have.

But Christ accepts me even when I was a wretch. And now I am in Him and He is in me. I am a new creation. I want to be free of myself, hiding like a child who closes her eyes and says, "You can't see me." And I want to stop pretending that you don't see me.

I see me. And God calls it beautiful. And He's in the process of redemption. Redeeming this broken creature... Transforming me into something brilliant... and like Him.

When the Yolk Breaks...

2011-07-04T15:17:00.003-04:00

Yesterday my yolk broke. What do I mean by that? I thought I was set up for the day. I had extra sleep. My husband did all the heavy work of the day... getting kids ready, packing snacks, food, diapers, etc. while I took a shower and leisurely dressed. I thought I was fine.

But then I wasn't feeling good.. and I was hormonal... and I had a break-down yesterday. Which was embarrassing because I hate for people to see me like that. I was weak and shaky (physically & emotionally). I was grumpy and tired. And everything I felt I was keeping pent up inside came spilling out. I just couldn't hold it it together. And it was yucky.

My heart was leaking all over the place. I felt burnt out and frustrated. The kids were acting up. The trip was long full of screaming, yelling, and are we there yets. And I was done... put a fork in me... done.

I don't know what was going on with me. Headache, check. Abdominal pain, check. Dizziness, check. Yeah, I had the symptoms down but that wasn't what bothered me.

It was that I couldn't figure out why then and there I was feeling overwhelmed. It was weird.

So I guess some days are just like that. Sometimes you just fall apart for no good reason. My attempts at being a good poached egg were ruined... The yolk ran...

Today's a new day. Enjoying a new day. Preparing for the party. Hamburgers and hotdogs for the grill. making home-made guacamole. I have peach mango salsa and yummy tortilla chips. Fresh corn on the cob and tomatoes from a farm not so many miles away. California Sunshine Salad (broccoli, carrots, raisins, pecans, poppyseed dressing & extra love). Fruit pizza (Mike's favorite) being made with cream cheese frosting, blueberries, strawberries and raspberries.

Fireworks are on hand. Citronella candles are in abundance.

Asking God to change my heart and attitude. Resting in the fact that He is faithful no matter how I FEEL on any given situation. I want to remember that. Happy or heartbroken, He remains the same!

2011-07-04T14:53:00.001-04:00

2011-07-03T12:36:00.003-04:00

Off for a family reunion today. We get to see Mike's extended family usually about one time a year. The fourth of July is that time. I'm looking forward to seeing his aunts and uncles and cousins. It's always good to reconnect and enjoy the "Northern Neck" of VA. Hope you have a safe and happy 4th of July.

Lemonade.

2011-07-02T09:56:00.003-04:00

Today the kids and I are having a lemonade stand down at the barn. Our customers are my brother's airsoft guys. The kids are selling lemonade and peanutbutter cookies, chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, rainbow chip cookies, double chocolate cookies. Their goal is multi-purpose. 10% is going to charity, something that will help other children in the world like UNICEF or building wells, etc. Libby and Samuel each get 10% and the rest is going towards a family trip. They're excited. Hoping that they will enjoy today.

Thursdays Things I Like: #3

2011-06-30T09:37:00.003-04:00

Crest Pro-Health CPC Antigingivitis/Antiplaque Oral Rinse. I like this mouthwash so much. It's not only recommended by my dentist but it's also a requirement for my dental care. I like it when things multi-task and boy does this do just that. It Kills Germs, helps prevent plaque, helps prevent gingivitis, keeps teeth cleaner longer, freshens breath, and there is no alcohol so there is no burn.

Happy Birthday!

2011-06-29T10:05:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday Aunt Linda!

One of my favorite memories is being told stories about me and my Aunt Linda. Whether it was her painting my toes at sleep-overs when I was just a wee thing or discovering prematurely the smurf sleeping bag she had purchased for my second birthday. Then there was the fact that I always said I was hungry when I was around my Aunt so she would feed me. My Mom finally told me to stop saying I was hungry. (She had just fed me.) So when I walked in and glanced around the room and spotted a bag of pretzels I quickly announced "I like salty things...." (keep in mind I was only 2 or 3...)

Now I am thankful for the adult friendship I share with my Aunt. She is a godly woman who is a wonderful mother and has a very dear, sensitive heart.

Thank you Aunt Linda for being my Aunt & for listening to me. I know I can always be honest with you even if if I'm ugly, real, and raw. I love you!

My sweet Petunia.

2011-06-28T06:00:00.002-04:00

Let me state this. I had made a vow to never love people who look like they never had a baby... after they just had a baby. I had to break that with Kristin... I love her and she looks fantastic! I am proud of her! She's a wonderful Mama and a precious friend and sister. And by the way... I love many people who look like they never had a baby after having babies.. I like to be dramatic at times..

Kristin and Madison
Did you see the printed Pamper Diapers... aren't they cute?!

A new Headband for Madison from her Aunt GiGi (AKA: ME!!!)

A very "Christopher expression"

Mondays Memories: Siblings

2011-06-27T09:16:00.007-04:00

Siblings... you have them or you don't, either way it shapes your life. Having many or few or none at all. It helps define you... you realize that you're "other". What do I mean by that? I find that kids in the same family are rarely alike. I have four boys. I find that their personalities, likes, dislikes, and character is unique.

I know that Libby having four younger brothers is going to shape the young woman she's going to become. I know the boys will be affected by each other and having an older sister.

I've met people who grew up without sister or brother.

I used to think if you're an only child that would be pretty awesome. I thought it meant you get all the attention. All that you want. You get to pick where you go. Blah, blah, blah. Now I feel for only children. How horrible to find out the world doesn't center around you. What a wake-up call. I'm not judging people who only have one child. Some people can only have one. Some people chose for financial reasons, physical, etc. that it's not the best for their family. Some people feel like they can't handle more, etc.

But if I had a choice for most people it would be to have more than one child. I feel kids are pretty robbed when they have no brother or sister to play with, fight with, learn with. Siblings are amazing teachers of the realities of life. Life can be hard, unfair, frustrating, and wonderful.

Some of my best memories ever were made with my siblings. I did things that I will never forget. My sister and I went and taught English in China together. We played in mud and dirt and in our play house and had "berry wars" and jumped in the rain and played hopscotch.

Our brother was our baby doll. We loved to put him in our baby cradles and rock him. The three of us would play a combination of barbies, legos, GI Joes and transformers with building blocks my dad built and dinosaurs were included.

My Dad would take us on these cool mini trips. We went and watched the shooting stars one night. Telescope in hand, my father would let us pick out any and every junk food item we wanted. We were so shocked. Our Mom was kind of a health nut so the thought of picking candy was overwhelming. Twizzlers, starbursts and reeses cups we would go drive some where very far away (or at least it felt like it being so young) and then we'd pull over and set up. I remember it being a little chilly but it was so special.

My Dad also would take us on these overnights to the beach... We would stay in a hotel. We would go swimming. Eat fast food... and once again junk food. It was there my sister and I watched our first music videos. Country. I had never seen a music video and I had never heard country music. We munched on Twizzlers while watching Shania Twain and Faith Hill.

Our family nights together often included playing games. We loved card games. Uno, skip-bo, rummy royale. My Mom would melt velveeta with rotel and blend with some milk. I can't tell you how many bags of tortilla chips we went through with our cheese dip.

My Mom always told us, "Your siblings are your best friends. You have them for life."

The worst crime we could commit was being unkind to each other. Whether it was calling each other names or just doing something mean if it was towards a sibling then we were in big trouble. I learned you don't call your brother or sister "stupid, dumb, jerk, or idiot".... the punishment was horrible.

We hated when our siblings got punished. If someone was being disciplined with a parent, the other two would be outside crying. If one of us was punished, we were virtually all punished. Our hurts together.

Christmas we frosted cookies and decorated the tree and watched Frosty & Rudolph together. We went sledding when there was snow. We learned to rollerblade together. We played basketball together... and tennis... and swim lessons. We sang in choir... and at home... and in the car. And hours and hours and hours in the pool playing Marco Polo, diving for objects under the water, and of course creating a whirl pool.

Hundreds of hours of Psalty the singing song book, the donut man, and adventures in odyssey.

Yard Sales selling lemonade. Chicken pox, all together. Birthdays. 7-11 Slurpees.

The last time the three of us together was the most painful. Libby was in a casket being prepared to be placed in the ground. My brother and I stood there, tears streaming our cheeks. The grief overwhelming and numbing and feeling like I was going to be sick. No words were spoken. That parting was the severing of a limb in my heart. Something is gone that will be missed the rest of my earthly life.

Our three amigos turned into two.

The musketeers lost their partner.

Our partner in crime was gone.

The pain is so bad.

BUT... one day we will be together again. Not on this side. It won't be until we've crossed into Heaven. One day things will be made right.

I feel so lost without Libby. I've lost my best friend and confidante. There is so much I want to talk to her about. Family matters. Friendships. Marriage. Children. Cancer. Special needs. Dreams. Hopes.

I just want to go and sit with her at Starbucks and vent about life. Take the kids to the park. Laugh about potty training and various mommy trials. She always made me laugh when I was crying.

I don't say this to make you feel guilty... but if you have siblings do what you can to have a good relationship. Ask forgiveness. Reconcile. You never know when you'll have to say good-bye. Don't wait until it's too late. I had the blessing of being in a good place with my sister when she died. But I recognize not everyone has that opportunity. No one understands your life growing up like your brother or sister.

I miss my sister YET in the meantime I'm going to enjoy having my brother. I am thankful as well that God has given me two wonderful sister-in-laws who are truly like sisters and not some added relation. I also have the blessing of being able to teach my children how to love each other and prefer and honor each other. It gives me great joy when I see my children willfully sharing. Samuel hurt himself on something and Ian went quickly and gave Samuel a favored toy. Peter was crying and Samuel brought Peter his favorite toy. I hope and pray that like me and my siblings that they become wonderful, cherished friends.

Resource: BTW- One of my favorite books pertaining to this subject is by Dr. Kevin Leman. The Birth Order Book talks about how the order in which you're birthed helps develop your personality and make-up. A very good read for understanding yourself and others!

Just Do It.

2011-06-24T13:29:00.004-04:00

I'm having one of those moments... I'm sure you've had them too. The kind where you're supposed to be doing a particular something. It could be schoolwork, a house project, something work related or simply cleaning your room... but when that is what you're supposed to be doing, you want to do anything else. You find yourself checking your e-mail, or looking at facebook or doing laundry... pretty much anything instead of what you're supposed to be doing. I have cleaned my house before instead of dealing with a dreaded task. The funny thing is once you start that dreaded task you're almost always halfway there.

"Well begun is half done." Aristotle

The guy has a great point. So it's just that. Beginning. Starting.

Project Considerations:

Motivation. Whether it's lack of goal, lack of energy or just plain lack... you need motivation. Put on some fun music. Visualize finishing your accomplishment... or even visualize beginning the project. Set up something relaxing for after you finish. It helps me to think, "When I'm done with this then I will get to...." paint my toes. Take a bath. Enjoy a date out. Spend time with a friend. Etc.

Procrastination. It feels so much easier to put stuff off. Thomas Jefferson said, “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.” So if it can be done today then DO IT!!!

Discipline. When you start to be disciplined in one area it tends to help you be disciplined in other areas. Unfortunately, the reverse is also true, when you slack off in one area it tends to leak into other areas as well. Eating well. Getting regular exercise. Adequate sleep. They tend to help you be disciplined and stay on track in your other areas of life: work, school, home, etc.

Distractions.

Internal- thoughts, anxiety, restlessness, hunger, thirst

*to combat these internal distractions- write a to-do list or things stressing you that is not to do with what you're supposed to be doing. I try to keep paper near me so I can write things I need to do, calls to make, etc. for later... when I'm done with the project. Clear your mind. Take a brief walk or do some jumping jacks if you're restless or agitated. Eat a small higher protein snack like apple with peanut butter or hummus with veggies and continue. Be sure to be hydrated... so many people are complaining of headaches and tension when they're not drinking enough water.

External- phone calls, text messages, e-mails, children, the weather, knock at the door, needing to use the facilities, etc.

Realistic. This is a biggie for me. I try to be superwoman, supermom, super something... and fail... because I expect myself to be able to accomplish too much, too soon. Make sure you are setting small,measurable, specific goals. Ask yourself would I expect someone else to be able to do all this on their own? Often I find I expect more from myself than I would of another person. Hm, that's weird.

Perfectionism: Also closely linked with realistic expectations or just plain reality. Sometimes if I can't do it the way I want I won't do it all. Don't let yourself hold YOU back. Be content with things not being perfect but being done well... and frankly getting done at all. A Project well done and finished on time is better than the masterpiece that is never finished and never turned in.

Some of my favorite tips and tricks:

*Work on a little bit at a time. Bite size chunks tend to be more manageable. We can all eat our "elephants" one bite at a time.
*Treat yourself to something after accomplishing a major goal.
*Ask a friend to help hold you accountable. A friend of mine noticed she had a habit of eating late at night. She asked a few of her friends if they would help her by asking if she ate after 8.
*Try if you can to be well fed and well rested. It's hard when you're exhausted or hungry to get much done.
*Take a power nap (15-20 min.) and then start.
*Set a timer. Whether it's that you will start your task at a certain time or finish it. I love racing against the clock & also having a signal for starting or finishing. I stock up on the Dollar Tree timers in the kitchen section. When I'm getting ready to leave a fun place with my kids such as the zoo or Chick-fil-A, etc. I set the timer letting them know when they have ten minutes or five minutes before we leave. It also helps them learn how to gage time.
*Take a break. Grab some coffee or hot tea. Walk around and stretch. Make a quick phone call. Enjoy a piece of gum. Then get back to it.
*Start with the hardest part first and work to the easiest. This is one of Libby's favorite things to tell me. "Hardest thing first, Mama!"
*Stimulate your senses. Light a candle especially with something energizing like citrus. Relax afterward with lavender. Even smelling a pure essential oil can help you shake off a drowsy state and become more alert.
*Check your timing. Are you trying to do something too late or too early in the morning. If you can, try to work during your most productive, alert time. I find trying to plan menus or the schedule for the week hard to do when it's late at night.

Now, with all that being said... the person I am writing this for the most is myself. I am trying to spend 3 hours writing. And writing this post has helped me get my creative juices going and flowing. I've been writing as well as reminding myself of what to do when I'm stuck or when I'm trying to avoid what I'm supposed to be doing... like avoiding writing... nothing like writing about avoiding writing, right?

"Things I like" Thursdays

2011-06-23T06:00:00.002-04:00

#2 Clorox Wipes.

Sanitizing your home is important when you have small children, especially a child with cancer that is more susceptible to infection. I enjoy these for my kitchen and bathrooms and they're wonderful for wiping down plastic toys or plastic books, door knobs and many other items that are nice and germ infested. Yay for disinfecting wipes.

2011-06-16T22:13:00.002-04:00

Listening to JJ Heller and enjoying the sound of her voice and the beauty of her lyrics. I wish I could shake this sense of depression that has been hovering. It's weird... we've had all these sunny days but there are clouds hanging over my head. I'm trying to peer past this crazy fog. Maybe I was just going too hard, too strong and not pausing (resting) enough. I get all jazzed up about getting things in order and accomplishing things and I push myself again and again... like a runner training for a marathon... but I don't rest. I go until I get injured, falling on the ground groaning. I'm trying to sprint and I need to train for endurance not short bursts of speed.

That being said, my clothes are all folded and put away. The dishes are all done. The counters are clear. The bed is made. The bathrooms are clean.

Today was the kid's last day of school. I am so excited that they will be home all the time... and I'm nervous too. I had quite the routine going while they were in school. Now we start a whole new schedule... a summer schedule. I know I'm weird. I like to plan. I like to have an idea, a shape of what my day will look like... a brief sketch... it helps me.

And I have all these ideas... big and small of what I'm hoping to accomplish this summer. For me. For my marriage. For my kids. For the house. Etc. I want the kids to have swimming lessons. They were supposed to last year but Samuel was diagnosed with cancer, so there you go. I really want to enjoy and savor this summer. I want to really engage with the kids... and read books and color and go on nature walks and visit the zoo and the State Parks and go to Norfolk Botanical Gardens and soak up the beauty of life and summer and sunshine. One of the small challenges of Samuel's cancer is that he has a CVL (central venous line- med port). This can't get submerged in water. He's not really supposed to get wet. And if he does get a little wet he needs his bandage completely changed. And that's supposed to be done as sterilely as possible, which is why we get it changed at the hospital and don't do it at home. So we will see how it goes being around pools or going to the beach, etc. Will we just skip it? Hmm.

Well, time for bed.

Things I like Thursday.

2011-06-16T06:00:00.004-04:00

So I had been thinking recently about posting some of my favorite things (enter Maria from the Sound of Music) just for kicks. I was thinking about calling it Things I Love Thursdays but I felt like "love" can get so overused and I am trying to apply the word love more to people than just things. I often catch myself saying, "Oh I just love ________" (fill in whatever: coffee, chocolate, Weight Watchers, Zumba, writing) and then turning around and telling my kids or husband that I love them. I don't want to cheapen the word...Don't know if that makes sense or not. Hence, things i like...

I remember being teased that I was a walking commercial. When I really like something I tend to get behind it. I tell other people... including strangers. I am not shy about saying things that I like, that work well, are useful, genius, pretty, etc.

So, let's get started. BTW- this isn't being done in order of importance... a greater to lesser or lesser to greater format. It's completely random although I did decide to number it is as I go.

#1 Kleenex.

Who doesn't enjoy tissues... Well, maybe you don't if you have no need for them, but I do. I have lots of little noses to wipe. I savor the soft feel of Kleenex especially if it has added aloe or lotion. Mmmm. So nice. But I must confess something.... it's more than just the tissues... it's the box. I really, really like fun decorated boxes. Whether it's the velvet snowman boxes at Christmastime or little chicks at Easter... and right now, the "summer-ish" boxes that look like watermelon slices or oranges, and other citrus.

I like it when the box matches room themes or colors. I have this fun swirly pattern of blue, gray, and white that matches my bedspread and colors in my room. And although I really like the Kleenex brand of tissues I usually go with whatever's the best price and the cutest box and isn't going to chafe the nose. There I confessed. I do like the biggest bang for my buck but I also try to go for the best overall value.

Things I use tissues for:

-wiping my nose
-wiping my children's noses
-to help cover a cough, a sneeze or anything that an unexpected sneeze produces
-wiping up some weird goop off the floor
-getting the excess glue off a craft project
-removing the extra make-up that was applied to my face because my child ran into me... when I'm applying mascara
-for weddings and funerals and Sundays at church... and any other place that might make me cry
-a package in the diaper bag, a package in my purse, a package to keep on hand for if a friend needs it.
-In the car, I never know what kind of mess I will be cleaning up. What kind of dirty and or sticky little faces I will be wiping. Or where I will find chewy chocolate chip granola bars adhered to the car seat.
-last but not least, for if I run out of toilet paper (this is especially important for if you're NOT at home... like being stuck in a bathroom stall at a grocery store and not realizing that THAT stall did not have toilet paper and you have five children in the bathroom with you and one of them is asking you if you're going to go poo-poo and another is yelling "Yucky" and you just drank a gallon of water and need to go #1 really bad.... hypothetically speaking, of course)

Benefits of being a "cow"

2011-06-15T07:17:00.003-04:00

If ever a day goes by where I feel unproductive I should stop & think.... Hey, I made milk today.

I write this because I was feeling lazy & then realized hey, I'm nursing a baby and doing this other thing. I need to give myself a break and not always need to be so dang efficient.

One of my first realizations that I was a Mom was when I went to Barnes and Noble with a friend. We both had recently had our first children. We were walking by a section of books labeled "Nursing" and my first reaction was, "Wow! I can't believe they have that many books on breast feeding!" It took me about ten minutes to realize that it was on medical nursing... but the funny thing was my friend had the same conclusion too. Yeah, we were definitely new Moms...

Embracing Now.

2011-06-13T23:54:00.004-04:00

I really should be falling asleep. I have to get up early tomorrow. Samuel is going to clinic and I'm taking Ian and Peter to see Libby receive her award and sing songs.. and I have yet to find the video camera that I just had a few days ago but have managed to misplace between then and now.

I broke some dishes today. No, not on purpose. On accident. And of the dishes I was really excited about because it was a saucer and it matched my tea cup and I couldn't find it and then I found it... yesterday.... and then I broke it today. I was kind of sad and frustrated. It came at a bad time. I was trying to finish feeding the kids lunch and was undoing the dishwasher and when the dishes broke i had to get the kids out of the kitchen because the glass went everywhere and the twins were upset because they were helping me unload the silverware (their favorite "job") and I was making them leave because their feet were bare and they didn't understand and got all whiney and crying and mad.

So I swept up these broken shards and thought of what I was talking to Mike about last night.

I'm afraid to admit something is good because I'm afraid it will get taken away. If my life is going well or I see something good happening I'm afraid that just by saying it's good that I will lose it... or it will be broken... or the shit will hit the fan. It seems like just when I start go get adjusted to my new "normal" something else comes along. I keep waiting with baited breath. I feel wide-eyed and a bit nervy... just expecting the next hard thing to come my way. And that's not how I want to live. I want to enjoy the now. I want to embrace the now.

I tend to get hung up on the past or the future. I analyze my past and compare it with others or how I thought it should be or make myself feel ashamed or guilty for not doing this or not being that. I look ahead to the future with fear and anxiety. How will I handle life when Peter can crawl? How will school be for Samuel this Fall? Am I going to ever potty train the twins? Will the cancer come back after treatment is done? All these things that I don't know and don't have control over. I want to embrace the NOW.

To enjoy the fact that Peter is a good baby and making normal progress. To enjoy that Michael's PT (physical therapy) is being cut back... because he's catching up and is able to do more!!! That Samuel is responding well right now to the chemo and that his pain has been less right now. That I have diapers for right now and diapering works for right now. Eventually these other things will come into play.... and there will be grace for that then. But right now I need the grace for what I face now... not the imaginary and the yet to come. His mercies are new every morning and I need to rest in that. Will His grace be present tomorrow, yes! But I don't have the grace for tomorrow, today.... I will have it tomorrow. Aaaaah. Rest in that. He knew I wouldn't be able to handle the thought 6 years ago of me having five kids and the special needs they have, etc. But today and right now I have the grace to deal with my present reality. A year ago I didn't have the grace to deal with a child with cancer... but today I do. I have the grace for exactly where I'm at!

I don't know what tomorrow, or next month or next year will bring... but I have what I need for THIS day and when the time comes I will have what I need for THAT day. Until then I rest in the grace and mercies that are present in this moment and soak up the joy and gratitude of where I'm at. And if my day is hard I take comfort that this too shall pass.

Life.

2011-06-10T18:33:00.003-04:00

Peter is a chubby little butterball that is full of delight and smiles. He is the most placid child we have had by far. He loves to chill by playing with his feet and loves making raspberries and stuffing his toes in his mouth. He is sweet and brings great amusement to his four siblings. He is loved by all that seem to encounter him. I am so thankful that God has given us a child that is a little lower maintenance.

I finally feel like I've recovered from strep. Boy did that wipe me out. I had spots and stripes and all sorts of nastiness going on in the back of my throat. The antibiotics have helped clear things up and besides my throat being a little sore and being tired in general I feel I am definitely on the upswing.

Libby has an upcoming awards ceremony at school. In lieu of a kindergarten graduation they are having this ceremony and will sing a few songs. She's been practicing a lot at home, in particular this one song which is a re-make of "new york, new york" but it's about going to the first grade. Libby is getting better at writing and reading and is very good about getting her homework done.

Samuel has been pretty much himself for the most part. Less pain than typical :) One of his favorite things to do is go sleep up on the top bunk with Libby. He gets to hang out up there until it's time for his feed to be set up and then we transfer him back to the bottom bunk. This morning we were reading "Shiver Me Letters, A Pirate's ABC" and as we were cuddling I was rubbing his head and speaking in my best pirate voice and he looked up at me with his eyelashes growing back in and said, "I love you Mama" and my heart just melted again.

Ian has been, well, Ian. He's been saying some pretty funny things lately but of course I've forgotten to write them down. I think i need to hang a mini tape recorder around my neck and just record throughout the day the funny things they do and say. He has somehow once again managed to take apart some major things. Several times recently he has been found on top of the counter reaching into a cabinet pulling out candy. He was unwrapping hershey kisses and proceeding to eat some and also share some with his twin Michael. Oh yeah, they're sharing. He also loves to sneak gum if he can. This morning though was pretty sweet. "Papa, I will get you some juice." He runs to the fridge and brings back a cold bottle of Sunny D for Papa.

Michael has been getting better about communicating. He loves to sit on the potty (nothing happens) and is happy just sitting on the big seat. He likes to wash his hands and he loves anything to do with cords, like wrapping and unwrapping the vacuum cord and checking out our cell phone chargers. He also loves to clean. Give that boy a broom or a clorox wipe and he just goes to town.

Mike and I have been trying to plan this summer and fall. We're trying to work through the rest of the chemo treatments and also figure out how we'll go back to "normal" life whatever that means... We're going to have a major adjustment trying to determine what's next.

Thank you for your prayers, your support and care. Please continue to pray that God gives us wisdom in how to care, serve, and love our family and meet their individual needs.

Samuel in the news.

2011-06-08T20:21:00.002-04:00

Local Hyundai dealers stroked a $40,000.00 check to CHKD for cancer research. They had oncology patients put their hand prints all over a car. You can see Samuel doing that here... He made the news :) He was more excited about painting on a car and the backpack, shirt, hat, and water bottle he received.

Strep.

2011-06-04T17:12:00.003-04:00

I'm lying in bed.. I have strep throat and a fever and I ache everywhere. I had to go to "quick care" at the hospital. The P.A. I had was very nice and had a great bedside manner. He was good at listening and really took in consideration the fact that I'm breast feeding Peter as well as Samuel having cancer and being neutrapenic (low ANC count-susceptible to infection). So I'm home and in bed. Mike was going to take me on an overnight but that has been canceled. I'm disappointed and sad but doing okay. Mike is being very kind and attentive and is taking care of the kids. Not quite what we had in mind for the day.

Life doesn't go as i planned.

I had a great birthday yesterday and was thankful to spend time with my children and my husband, my Grandma and my Mom 2 (mother-in-law) as well as get to see some dear friends. It was a wonderful day. I felt very loved. Thank you for your well-wishes and messages. They meant a lot.

I have to mention of the highlights... My brother Christopher & his wife Kristin gave me an amazing birthday gift. They got me an ipod nano. It's super cute and it's pink. I can't wait to load it with music and listen to it while I work out. It's probably one of the coolest gifts my brother has given me. I was so shocked I almost cried.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life... my husband, my children, my family, and friends. I really am a very rich person.

Well, I told Mike I would try and sleep as much as possible and somehow I don't think that writing on my blog falls into that category :)

"Lack"

2011-06-02T23:49:00.001-04:00

BTW- an article I wrote for Ungrind was published a back in April. You can read it here.

Peter & Madison

2011-06-02T23:35:00.003-04:00

This was from Peter and Madison's first pictures together... over a month ago. Aren't they precious?

2011-06-02T23:29:00.003-04:00

So yesterday I took Ian & Peter to the doctors... It turns out Ian has an Infection behind both ears... and his belly button... as well as a separate case of impytigo. Great. Peter is on antibiotics for his cough but also now on a nebulizer because of his wheezing :(

We took the kids to the VA Aquarium today. They added some new exhibits and it was really cool to watch the sea turtles, sharks, and all sorts of various fish. I cracked up at the Lump Fish. The kids loved feeling the rays and were fascinated by the harbor seals. Thank you Miss Baker for the tickets!!!

I better go to sleep... pancakes await me in the morning :)

2011-05-30T12:21:00.005-04:00

Happy
Sad
Smooches
Silly
I'm on a date with Libby so I will keep this short. Samuel's been in pain a lot the past two days. It kind of makes life intense and stressful. You tend to lose patience really quickly because you're so frustrated you can't do anything... and you're helpless... and the healthy kids have needs too :)

Libby has a wiggly tooth. One of her front teeth. She's excited and looking forward to a visit from the tooth fairy.

Samuel keeps saying that "The bad guys are punching my tummy."

I've been thinking about writing about contentment... post will come eventually on that. So right now I should get back to my little girl and enjoying her!

Birthday Blues

2011-05-26T23:25:00.008-04:00

My birthday is in almost a week. I don't know why but I'm kind of dreading it. Somehow it seems to sneak up on me but this year it feels even more so. I'm a planner and I get really anxious about dates. That's goofy huh? What do I mean?

I'm the kind of girl that likes to celebrate her anniversary on the actual date of her anniversary and valentines on valentines day. So my birthday is kind of the same thing... it's like I have to do everything I've ever wanted to do on my actual birthday. It's quite exhausting actually... and also embarrasing to confess.

Now truth be told I have gotten better. I need to give myself a little credit. I've learned to relax and unwind and spread out the joy and fun for more than just a day. I'm good about waiting til the week-ends or a better time to celebrate if the "real" day doesn't work.

I guess part of it is it's kind of like a coupon that you can only use for one day. It's the "I can do anything and practically get away with murder" day of the year. Or maybe it's just that I feel like I can demand attention from the people I love the most and wear an "It's all about me" smile for the day. Did I mention I like attention....

Okay, so I'm being a little over the top. Fortunately for me God doesn't let me get too consumed with myself. Often on days of importance and significance something goes wrong... and at times... really wrong.

I have had Easter "ruined" as well as Libby's birthday, Samuel's birthday, Mike's birthday,the twins birthday, Valentine's Day and an anniversary due to hospitalizations. Vehicles have broken down. I've gotten a severe burn on a Valentine's Day and also was in hard labor for several days... also on a Valentine's Day. I have been violenty ill on my birthday. I have gotten into heated arguments with family and I have cried myself to sleep on my birthday.

You know what the problem is? The problem is this: That somehow I think that everything is going to magically be different on "this" day. As if somehow if it's Valentine's Day everything is going to be sweet, happy and rosy all day... and significantly romantic. I have had countless Anniversaries (okay, you can't say countless if you've only been married almost 8 years) get flushed down the tubes. I remember one year I was so depressed because Mike was working several jobs and he worked our whole anniversary... from 6:30 in the morning til 11:30 at night. I was so upset. Just because it's my birthday doesn't mean that all will go as planned.

Oh to let go. Let it go. Kids will throw up. People will disagree. I might even get insulted or punched or kicked in the face (on accident, by one of my kids)on my birthday. Because honestly, it's just another day. I am a birthday celebrater. I love birthdays. Not just mine... but anyone around me. My husband and children's birthdays are so important. I feel for Mike every year because his birthday (March 10) comes a few days after my sister's passing(March 7th)... So every year I'm very emotional and it's hard for me to concentrate on his birthday and it means so much to me because He is my love and my best friend. And I want it to be special. And he is so sweet and kind and focused on me and I want him to be blessed.

And with my children I want them to feel special and significant and loved... because they are. I want everything to go right for them.

I have come to grips with the fact that life is disappointing and more often than not it won't go how we predict or want or plan for it to go. And it's okay . Instead of trying so hard to do every thing I've ever dreamed about doing (or that pops into my head at any given moment) I try to pick a thing or two that I'd like to try to make happen and be flexible about the rest of it. I also try to just let the day play out how it will even if it means that one thing doesn't happen. And I've learned that you can turn anything into a special day, special place... based on your attitude. Learning to laugh at myself and at times my circumstances has been challenging but as I've grown in it I find that I'm a lot happier... and a lot nicer to be around.

And when you have low to no expectations you won't get disappointed and you will also enjoy the things that do occur. I have learned to be thankful for the little things that happen and not upset about one specific thing that did not take place or the weird, crazy unplanned things that popped into my day.

Yeah, I'm weird. I know.

I think everyone though has the desire of wanting to know that they are loved, valued, appreciated and that they make a difference. So be reminded of this. Your birth was not an accident. God knew and planned YOU even before the foundations of the world... your very existence. He knew the color of your hair and eyes. He knew and made you the way you are. And He even had your day go the exact way He planned. So embrace this day... birthday or not. Enjoy and savor the sweet things. Spit out the pits... and let go of the hurts, disappointments, and unmet expectations... Hey, we're not in Heaven yet. One day we will be... but til then be reminded that earth is not our Home.

So, all that said, if you see me next Friday (June 3rd) I will officially be 31... and I will be enjoying free pancakes at IHOP... and a free Starbucks beverage... Mmmm... maybe I won't be so blue after all...

2011-05-21T00:12:00.003-04:00

Do you have life figured out? I don't.

It's crazy how complex and simple, hard and easy, weird and normal it is. So full of sin and redemption. Full of joy and pain.

Right now I'm exhausted and rambling. rambling. rambling. Maybe it's because it's after midnight. Maybe it's the dark chocolate reeses cup kicking in. Maybe it's because I have spent the past few hours philosophizing with my husband. And maybe it's the perfect time to write.

There are no inhibitions.... no bars held. Wait is that even the right expression? I don't know. That's the dangerous thing my Mom used to tell me... She'd say midnight is like having two alcoholic beverages and every hour after was like having an additional drink. She's right. She is talking about how you lose your guard and because you're tired you share more than you should. That's not good. I don't want to share more than I should... but I do want to share honestly.

So here goes. Honestly....

Life is pretty hard. I recognize that i have it good. I recognize I'm blessed. I recognize God's faithfulness. But it's still hard. It's hard getting up and facing the day and changing the diapers and making the meals and getting the kids up and dressed or dealing with the guilt of I let my husband get them up and dressed and to the bus stop without my participation. It's hard changing diapers over and over and over again. And emptying the trash. And wiping boogey noses. It's hard seeing Samuel throw up or see him grimace in pain or clutch his stomach and tell me how bad it hurts or see him do his dance of pain. Where he sways back and forth and then arches his back and tells me his bottom hurts. It's hard when he tells me it's itchy on the inside and there's nothing I can do. It's the tumor dying... and it's uncomfortable and hard.

It's hard getting the stares... having to explain my life or not being allowed to explain my life. It's hard when I don't get my way... and when I do get my way. It's hard watching others suffer. It's hard seeing the kids throw a tantrum or scream in frustration because they can't communicate through speech. It's hard to change the wet sheets on a child's bed... again. It's hard to fill and refill and refill again sippy cups. To be the last to eat breakfast or the first to start on dishes... of the never ending laundry pile. Of dishes that get chipped. Of possessions that break, rot, leak, ruin, shattered... Of a.c. to be repaired and washer and dryer to be fixed. Of promises of help that didn't come through. Of unexpected help that wasn't asked for. Of the blessings and joys and laughter and tears that somehow come all mixed up and let out in various times and various ways. Of the cavities that need to be filled. Of the discipline of exercise and eating well and preparing nutritious meals. The question of what supplements... what alternative medicine do we follow for Samuel. Of juicing carrots. Of hoping for a cure... to hear it's been five years... no cancer...

Driving. Driving. Driving. To chemo and labs and bandages changed. Of hooking up feeds to two children nightly. Filling the food bags and priming the pumps and setting the rate and dose. Were medications distributed? Whose allergies are flaring? Whose asthma is acting up? An EEG appointment coming up this week. A reminder to reschedule opthamology. 6 month well check-up on Tuesday. Field trip for Libby on Thursday. Scholastic book order due. School pictures purchased. Appointments made and kept. Trim their nails... how do they grow so fast. Making games while in the waiting room. Distracting in the midst of suffering. Practicing sight words and numbers and birthday dates. IEP meetings. Broken vehicles. Is that my container of bread dipping seasonings all over the floor? Is that sprinkles crushed into the carpet? Cracker goldfish found in the fish tank. Shredded toilet paper. Blinds broken by little hands anxious to see through the slats out the window.

Lollipops at 8 a.m. Flipflops that must be found because tennis shoes just won't do. School project. Purchase poster board. Purchase Graduation gifts... who is graduating again? I know I forgot a birthday somewhere... Drink water and breathe. The tension in my neck and back is intense. The days mingle and linger and I want to savor them like the last bits of frosting on my fingers on a chocolate cake. I want to engage the now. Be present. Aware of the miracles of life around me. Of survival. Of fighting spirit. Of hope found in a six year old who would give of herself so that her brother wouldn't have to suffer. Of Ian being anxious to come home so he can "see Michael... my brother."

Of expressions mixed up, mispoken, and jumbled coming off the tongues of my children and at times out of my own mouth whether it be exhaustion speaking or just confusion of an overworked mind.

I yearn to be like Paul... to know how to be content in all things... whether with plenty or with nothing... with sickness or health... with gain or lack. With winning or losing.

Mike blessed me by reminding me... there are always those who have it better and always those who have it worse. He reminded me of a beautiful woman we saw a few weeks back. Not beautiful by the worlds standards but beautiful in my eyes and God's. She was severely burned and she had no hands... and she was laughing and her eyes were full of light. I have a whole body. With no burns. I have all my limbs and faculties. I have so much. I am cradled by grace by a Father who knows best. Who holds me in the midst of my self-pity. Who wrestles me in the midst of my despair. Of my false humility. of my self-hatred. Who loves me and knows me and loves me in spite of knowing me. Who created me and has plans for me that are beyond what I can know and imagine. Who created the earth and the fullness of time. Who knows the hairs on my head and every star in the sky. Who isn't afraid of my anger, sadness, worry, or lack of faith and at times disbelief. He is so good. He is beyond my understanding.

And He who faced Job and spoke truth to Him also speaks to me. He speaks to me through His Word. Through the illumination of the Holy Spirit I can know Jesus. I rest in this. I place all my imperfections, failures, and worries before Him and I ask Him to fill me. To empty me of my pride, selfish, self-centered, worried, hurting soul and to fill me up with His love. His joy. His strength.

To serve my children knowing that I do this unto Him. Of sharing the Gospel... this beautiful, sweet, rich good news of redemption... He has saved me from myself. He has made me a new creation. And there is much renewing and redeeming that is still happening even now.

Even as I type on my husbands laptop. Mike lays sweetly beside me at rest. Peter is sleeping also.His hands above his head with no worries or concerns pressing on Him. My tired eyes droop. The bags around my eyes are dark circles. My earplugs are in. I'm nodding off.

This rambling. Rambling. Nonsense that is sense to me. This life that is so hard... and so important. It's worth living because He wants me to live it. And this pain in this world... if I could just comfort... comfort one weary soul... He cares. He sees. He knows. He accepts. He loves. He adores.He enjoys. YOU!!!! Rest in that today. Whether your head be about to hit the pillow... whether enjoying your morning cup of coffee... whether downcast in Spirit. He is with you. He is there in your midst. Open your heart. Give Him your burdens. Fall at His feet in awe and in worship. Arise knowing He is your strength for this day and for always. He will guide your paths... and HE never lets go.